Fourteen years. A lot can happen in that amount of time. Trials, celebrations, new beginnings, and even some good-byes. Time can be a funny thing. It can camouflage itself as a sloth as it races by like a jaguar. It masks itself as money, only to prove itself priceless. It can trick you into believing it is healing you, separating you from the things you want to forget, when it's actually distancing you from some of the most precious moments in life.
I've often wondered what it would be like to live outside of its limitations, its trickery. I am beginning to understand how that could be possible. Sometimes it feels like fourteen years ago was yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a different lifetime. This continuum we live on is so fickle. Wait, then hurry. Stop and smell the roses. The early bird gets the worm. Enjoy the moment. Seize the day. SLOW DOWN. Don't get left behind.
We can't stop it. We can't control it. It's simply a resource. And a tricky one at that. It's manipulative as it disguises itself as something we have plenty of, then looks back and smiles over it's shoulder with a shrug as the last of it runs out. It bolsters a high value and the thing of most importance. After all, it's an important currency in building relationships so there is a high value to it. It is perhaps one of the most valuable resources we have. But it quietly slips through our fingers when we are not watching. It's slippery and treacherous and valuable and priceless all at once.
One thing I know for sure about it though...time does NOT heal.
No matter how much time passes between the day my daughter left this world and now, time does not help. Fourteen years does nothing to cover the scar from when my soul was ripped in two. Fourteen years doesn't take away the pain of empty arms or breasts full of milk with no sweet baby to nourish. Or dreams that have no hope of ever coming true. Time can't fix the pain and confusion in my other children's hearts as to why their sister is gone. It doesn't help my son who loved his little sister with a great and innocent love that turned into a loss so deep and irreparable, the wound is still throbbing. Time does nothing for that. Except for maybe allowing us to fortify and strengthen those walls we build that keep us from feeling the hurt. But those same walls also lock out the joy.
Those walls become thick, calloused and numb. While that's good to protect us from the pain, it also separates us from the good times, the celebrations, the memories, the things yet to come. I don't ever want to stop feeling the love I had in my heart when I held my daughter close. When I nursed her. When I dressed her and combed her hair. When I sang to her with visions and dreams of her life to come. When I prayed for her future. He had a plan for her, too, right? What happened? Or is it still happening?
We get caught up in the promises of the Bible and equate them to earthly promises and success. A promise of a future does not necessarily mean the same in God's eyes as it does through the eyes of our world. We have to keep our eyes fixed on the things of Heaven.
In HIS timeline, Kaylee's future still is. His time doesn't stop when our hearts do. She still has a purpose and a plan. She still even has a legacy here on this earth. It may not look like those dreams that danced in my head as I held her in my arms for three months, but it is powerful. She still has much to do for the rest of eternity and her short life here on earth can still have an impact if I turn to God and trust in Him to carry it out.
It is only through HIM that we can survive such a loss. Time has nothing to do with it.
If you are in the Miami area, we will be honoring our little girl with a ladybug release on the anniversary of her passing. We do this every year as a way to help us all remember her and to help keep her close to our hearts and our eyes fixed on Jesus. We've deemed March 29 as Ladybug Day and have done it every year since she passed in memory of her. She was our Ladybug. A sweet soul that came into our lives and chased away some of the bad bugs that were trying to separate us from the True Vine.
Here is an explanation of how and why we celebrate Ladybug Day.
Ladybug Day is a celebration of life our family loves to share with our friends and their children. The kids love it and the message is sticks. God hears our prayers. Always. If you and your family would like to join us, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more info.