He has Conquered the Grave!

It's that time of year again!  Time to celebrate that Jesus conquered the grave.  I'm so glad Ladybug Day is close to Easter, it helps me stay focused and to remember we don't have to fear death!  I know my Ladybug is waiting for me with Jesus, and one day I will hold her in my arms again.  I hope many of you can join us as we celebrate her memory and honor the legacy she left behind.  Below is the original post for  this blog explaining what Ladybug Day is and why we celebrate.  I pray you are blessed by the sweet memory of my little girl, Kaylee. 

Repost 06/14/2009                                                              

OK, it's been on my heart to start blogging for quite some time now. Could give a number of excuses for it, but since I hate excuses, I won't bore you with mine :) Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. Perhaps in the process, I can get a little therapy through writing and possibly even provide some encouragement for others.

Those that know me will totally understand the name I gave the blog :) For those that don't, it's not about natural pesticides or a cutesy reference for all things "girly." For me, ladybugs remind me of my faith in God, and my sweet little girl, Kaylee. Kaylee was only in our lives for three short months. Well, actually, I guess it was a full year if you count the time she was growing inside of me. But at the age of 3 months and 2 days, she died suddenly due to an undetected heart defect.

I praise God for the time we had with her. I know I'm probably biased, but she was absolutely the most beautiful baby. And I'm sure this sounds cliche, but she touched the hearts of all who laid eyes on her. We couldn't go anywhere without people just loving all over her...and of course she was giving it right back. The small Korean church where we were serving, couldn't have a service if she was there. NO ONE paid any attention to the poor pastor...they were all focused on little Kaylee. :) She had this plush ladybug rattle that she loved. And she had a bouncy seat with a ladybug, caterpillar, and butterfly. She would giggle as she watched them spin and dangle in front of her. She had these adorable little pink pajamas with, you guessed it, ladybugs all over them :) She was our little ladybug.

When the first anniversary of her death began to approach, I searched and searched for a meaningful way to remember her. I couldn't just forget. It wasn't possible. And for those out there dealing with the same type of issue who are trying to forget a lost loved one, please stop. It won't work. The option of locking myself in my room and crying all day sounded appealing to a part of me, but the wiser part (although it's a much smaller part :) knew that wasn't healthy. I had to come up with a way to honor her memory, but more importantly, honor the God who helped my family get through the previous year.

Everytime I saw a ladybug, it reminded me of her. So, I looked into ladybugs and the history of them. Sounds silly, eh? But what I found out led me to what we decided was the perfect way of celebrating little Kaylee as well as pointing us back to Christ. You see, ladybugs are what you call "good bugs." They eat the "bad bugs." After finding that out, I realized that Kaylee truly was a ladybug in every sense. You see, her short little existence was enough to eat up a lot of the bad things in my life and in the lives of my family. Her smile melted bitterness. Her laugh destroyed anger. Even her cry fought off impatience and selfishness. And her death brought us to our knees pleading with God for help. He did just that. I know Kaylee is safe in heaven waiting on me. I miss her everyday, but I know I'll see my little ladybug again. Without a doubt. And until that time, I will do my very best to keep those bad bugs far from me and those around me.

So, that's what I would like this blog to be about. Fighting off those bad bugs and other things that come into our lives and eat up all that is good. God, thank you for the ladybugs!


How the Ladybug got its Name
In Medieval time in Europe, bad bugs were destroying all the crops. The farmers prayed and these little red beetles showed up. They ate up all the bad bugs and saved the crops. They named these good bugs after the Virgin Mary, calling them Beetles of the Lady, because they believed that God had answered their prayers and sent the bugs to save them. Over time, the name has changed to Lady beetles, Ladybirds, and now the most common, Ladybugs. So now every time you see one of those cute little ladybugs, you can be reminded that God hears and answers our prayers!

We've declared March 29 Ladybug Day. We usually release live ladybugs some where and give out some kind of ladybug token with cards explaining the story of the ladybug and the verse Jeremiah 33:3. It's helped us turn a day that probably would be unbearable into something that encourages us, our family and hopefully those around us. To know that even in death, my little girl can still make an impact to those whose lives she touches is healing.

Eleven years. Wow.  Time passes by so quickly when we aren't looking.  Sometimes it seems like a blink of an eye, yet at other times, a whole different lifetime.  The picture on the right was taken just a day before Kaylee went home to meet Jesus.  I like to believe she's praying for us in it.  It makes me smile. Somehow it's as if she knows what the next day will bring. 

Burying a child isn't normal.  But even harder still is the simple task of living after such a tragedy.  People ask me how we got through it. But you're never THROUGH it.  That suggests some sort of finality or ending.  The pain of losing a child doesn't end.  It's a wound that never heals. 

Thank God for a Savior that tends to that wound on a daily basis.  Another death, the holidays, a birthday, a familiar laugh, a special toy or song, all or any of these things split the scar wide open again.  Only the salve of Christ's love can ease the pain.  Cover it so nothing else gets in there and makes it worse.  Protect it from infection of bitterness, anger, and other things of this world that tend to find their way into our hurting hearts. 

Later today we will make a ladybug cake.  We'll sing and celebrate the birthday of my little girl who is not here with us.  My little girl who never got to have a birthday party.  Never got to learn to play piano.  Never got to swim.  Never spoke a word.  Never had a first kiss.  The nevers could go on and on.  They are endless. And they are where the bitterness lie.  I cannot go there.  At least I cannot stay.

I tell my boy, Kaleb, who struggles with anxiety and some pretty intense emotions, "Don't focus on the bad, think of the GOOD things." So that's what I will do.

For three months, I got to hold the most beaufitul baby girl of all time.  I got to nurse her and love her.  I got to see her first smile and hear her first coo. I got to give her her first bath and feed her her first cereal.  I got to comfort her when she cried.  I got to hold her in my arms when she left this world. And I get to love her forever.

So yes, today we will bake a cake and sing and celebrate the birthday of the little girl that changed our lives forever.  Looking forward to the day when we can all celebrate together.

In honor of our Ladybug's birthday, please say a prayer for one of the parents who lost their child at Sandy Hook.  Please lift them up by name. They are listed below.  I know that so many people prayed for my family after we lost Kaylee.  That is how we get through.  Only by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Pray specifically that His light will shine bright into their lives.  So bright they cannot ignore it.  That the peace that passes all understanding will rest on them and in them.  That what the enemy meant for harm, God will turn into good for generations for each of these families.  That they will know and trust in Him alone through it all.

- Charlotte Bacon
- Daniel Barden
- Rachel Davino
- Olivia Engel
- Josephine Gay
- Ana M. Marquez-Greene
- Dylan Hockley
- Dawn Hochsprung
- Madeleine F. Hsu
- Catherine V. Hubbard
- Chase Kowalski
- Jesse Lewis
- James Mattioli
- Grace McDonnell
- Anne Marie Murphy
- Emilie Parker
- Jack Pinto
- Noah Pozner
- Caroline Previdi
- Jessica Rekos
- Avielle Richman
- Lauren Rousseau
- Mary Sherlach
- Victoria Soto
- Benjamin Wheeler
- Allison N. Wyatt

I am a villain.

Currently, our church is doing a series on heroes and villains, and how they're "made." We all got shirts with either a big H for Hero or V for Villain on them. I chose the V. Many people ask, "WHY?" :) I don't know. Maybe it's like my scarlet letter :) I know myself too well to think of myself as a hero. On any given day I feel WAY more villainous. Thankfully, I know my God loves me no matter who I am or what I've done.

This past weekend was the anniversary of my father's death. It's been 8 years since he left us. Although my relationship with my father was not exactly easy, through all the good and bad, I never stopped loving him. I know he felt the same for my brother and me; although sometimes he just didn't know how to show it. My dad battled some mental health issues. It took me a while to accept that. I've learned that I don't have to understand everything, but just to accept and remember that God is in control, working ALL things to the good of those that love Him. Even my dad. Even my relationship with my dad. Even his death. Somehow. I just have to trust.

Everyone remembers Sept 11, 2001. On that afternoon, I spoke to my dad on the phone. Well, actually, there wasn't much speaking involved. He called upset. Not about the thousands of people who had just been killed, but about his life. He was in the middle of his third divorce and I felt like he was trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty. I never react well to that, and that day was no exception. I lit into him. I was angry. Angry at all the grief he had caused me growing up, angry at all the hurt he'd caused my mother, angry at the pain he'd caused for my little brother and sister. I was NOT AT ALL interested in a pity party for him. And I told him.

I never spoke to him again. The next night, September 12, 2001, he went into his garage, turned on his truck, crawled to the back of it, and propped himself up right next to the tail pipe. He wanted to go fast. I cannot imagine the pain he must have felt. It physically hurts me to think about it. Maybe if I would have been more understanding and less judgemental. Maybe.

Since my father's death, I've been able to go back and remember some of the good times. When we was alive, our relationship was so volatile, that was hard to do. My anger toward him is melting. Instead of focusing on all the bad, I'm remembering the good. He instilled in me two loves that are still a big part of my life today. Basketball and music.

My dad taught me how to post up, drive to the basket and "forced" me to shoot an sick jump shot. He also LOVED music. He was talented, too. Had a voice like James Ingram. I loved to hear him sing. When we were younger, he used to sing in a gospel group that traveled around the area performing at different churches and events. One of my favorite songs to listen to him sing was "And Because He Lives." I just wish he would have remembered the words to that song that night in September.

"And because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
And because I know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives."

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm sorry you felt such pain. I Love you. You'd be SO proud of your grandson, Kedric. He's a musician like you. And I promise, instead of condemning, I will always try to listen to the pain in others' voices from now on. I will instill hope in those around me. Instead of pointing out their pitfalls and faults, I will point them to Christ who will cover and fill them all.

Are you a hero or a villain? Check out amiahero.com Or go to http://www.flamingoroadchurch.com/teachings and listen to a great message on how to take the tragedies in our lives and use them to find our purpose.

What's in a name?

OK, it's been on my heart to start blogging for quite some time now. Could give a number of excuses for it, but since I hate excuses, I won't bore you with mine :) Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. Perhaps in the process, I can get a little therapy through writing and possibly even provide some encouragement for others.

Those that know me will totally understand the name I gave the blog :) For those that don't, it's not about natural pesticides or a cutesy reference for all things "girly." For me, ladybugs remind me of my faith in God, and my sweet little girl, Kaylee. Kaylee was only in our lives for three short months. Well, actually, I guess it was a full year if you count the time she was growing inside of me. But at the age of 3 months and 2 days, she died suddenly due to an undetected heart defect.

I praise God for the time we had with her. I know I'm probably biased, but she was absolutely the most beautiful baby. And I'm sure this sounds cliche, but she touched the hearts of all who laid eyes on her. We couldn't go anywhere without people just loving all over her...and of course she was giving it right back. The small Korean church where we were serving, couldn't have a service if she was there. NO ONE paid any attention to the poor pastor...they were all focused on little Kaylee. :) She had this plush ladybug rattle that she loved. And she had a bouncy seat with a ladybug, caterpillar, and butterfly. She would giggle as she watched them spin and dangle in front of her. She had these adorable little pink pajamas with, you guessed it, ladybugs all over them :) She was our little ladybug.

When the first anniversary of her death began to approach, I searched and searched for a meaningful way to remember her. I couldn't just forget. It wasn't possible. And for those out there dealing with the same type of issue who are trying to forget a lost loved one, please stop. It won't work. The option of locking myself in my room and crying all day sounded appealing to a part of me, but the wiser part (although it's a much smaller part :) knew that wasn't healthy. I had to come up with a way to honor her memory, but more importantly, honor the God who helped my family get through the previous year.

Everytime I saw a ladybug, it reminded me of her. So, I looked into ladybugs and the history of them. Sounds silly, eh? But what I found out led me to what we decided was the perfect way of celebrating little Kaylee as well as pointing us back to Christ. You see, ladybugs are what you call "good bugs." They eat the "bad bugs." After finding that out, I realized that Kaylee truly was a ladybug in every sense. You see, her short little existence was enough to eat up a lot of the bad things in my life and in the lives of my family. Her smile melted bitterness. Her laugh destroyed anger. Even her cry fought off impatience and selfishness. And her death brought us to our knees pleading with God for help. He did just that. I know Kaylee is safe in heaven waiting on me. I miss her everyday, but I know I'll see my little ladybug again. Without a doubt. And until that time, I will do my very best to keep those bad bugs far from me and those around me.

So, that's what I would like this blog to be about. Fighting off those bad bugs and other things that come into our lives and eat up all that is good. God, thank you for the ladybugs!


How the Ladybug got its Name
In Medieval time in Europe, bad bugs were destroying all the crops. The farmers prayed and these little red beetles showed up. They ate up all the bad bugs and saved the crops. They named these good bugs after the Virgin Mary, calling them Beetles of the Lady, because they believed that God had answered their prayers and sent the bugs to save them. Over time, the name has changed to Lady beetles, Ladybirds, and now the most common, Ladybugs. So now every time you see one of those cute little ladybugs, you can be reminded that God hears and answers our prayers!

We've declared March 29 Ladybug Day. We usually release live ladybugs some where and give out some kind of ladybug token with cards explaining the story of the ladybug and the verse Jeremiah 33:3. It's helped us turn a day that probably would be unbearable into something that encourages us, our family and hopefully those around us. To know that even in death, my little girl can still make an impact to those whose lives she touches is healing.