Sunday, March 27, 2011
Ladybug Day is almost here!
This Tuesday marks another Ladybug Day...the ninth for us. Hard to believe. Sometimes it feels like little Kaylee was in my arms just yesterday. I can feel her breath on my neck as I held her to burp her. See her adorable crooked smile as I sing to her. Get lost in those huge deep brown eyes. I thank God that those memories are still so intense. I miss her terribly, but the thought of not having even memories is gut-wrenching. I know one day I'll hold my baby girl again. I know she is safe...she's saving a place for all of us...me, dad, and her brothers and sister...and anyone else reading this post who calls Jesus their Lord and Savior. Grief is strange. This year for some strange reason I keep finding myself angry. I'm not angry at God...I truly know He's working all things together for good. But anger is the feeling I keep confronting. It's been nine years. Why does it still hurt SO bad? It's frustrating. I think deep inside I know that it will never stop. I don't even know if it gets easier...you just learn to keep moving forward. We learn to live with the pain instead of running from it. You can't hide, so why waste the energy running? Might as well deal with it and try and figure out the lesson in it. That's how I've dealt anyway. When it comes to fight or flight, I've always been a fighter. I wrestle with the grief until it gives me something...until I figure out why God has me here. I want to learn the lesson so I can get out of this place! Maybe that's why I'm angry this year. It's been nine years, and still, it hurts. Bad. WHY AM I STILL HERE STUCK IN THIS PAIN? I've always been goal-oriented, seeking after progress, reaching for the next level. But this still feels the same. Nine years. No progress. Sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. God, I don't know why you have me here in this place, but I trust you. And if this is where you want me, broken, hurting, I know there is a purpose. There must be. This Tuesday at 6:30pm we'll be setting ladybugs free at Morgan Levy Park in Doral if anyone wants to join! We do this every year in her honor and tell others the story of the ladybug and reminding them that God is faithful and answers prayer!