Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Grief's a Mug

Kedric and Kaylee, Early March 2002

Tomorrow will be ten years.  Ten years since I've held my sweet Kaylee in my arms.  Ten years since I gazed into her deep brown, knowing eyes.  Ten years since I sang to her.  Sometimes it seems longer.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday.  I don't know if it will ever get easier.  Sometimes I just bust out into friends tell me I'm hormonal from just having Kai, but I don't know.  Poor Kai, if he so much as coughs, I have him at the doctor.  I KNOW they think I'm crazy.  

I've never been through a "Ladybug Day" with an infant.  Kai is not that far off from Kaylee's age when she died.  My other kids were much older and, I don't know, sturdier it seemed for past Ladybug Days.  Not sure if that's why it seems harder or not.  He's also the first one that really has resembled her.  There are times I just can't help but think of her when I look at him. Especially since he's started smiling.  He has her smile.  I think God waited 10 years on purpose for that.  Maybe I couldn't have handled it before. But when he cracks that smile, it's amazing.  How can a heart be filled with such joy and sorrow at the same time?

I know my God will help me tomorrow.  I want Ladybug Day to be a celebration.  A time to be grateful for the time we have with the precious gifts God has given us.  A day to celebrate His unfailing love, even in the midst of death.  He doesn't promise us an easy life, just that He will walk through it all with us.  Natalie Grant has a song called "Held."  I love it.  Listen to it often.  Reminds us of this.  Here is the chorus.

This is what it means
To be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive
This is what it is
To be loved
And to know
That the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

Here's a link to the full song:

The song holds many parallels to our experience.  Kaylee was just three months old.  And I was praying, with my whole heart and soul, when she died.  And I know that bitterness that can so easily settle in my heart.  I have tasted it.  I pray that I can open that wise hand and see the beauty that will unfold, even from her short life.

I love you, Ladybug.
Mama Jung

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