He said No.

Another Ladybug Day is upon us soon.  Doesn't seem like it's possible that it's been 17 years since I held her in my arms.

But it has.  Seventeen years of God literally carrying me at times.  Helping me to just put one foot in front of the other.

I've been told I'm strong.  But I know better.  I know my innermost thoughts.  The judgement I place on others, the balls I drop, the opportunities I miss.  I know all my failures and weaknesses.  So does He.

Yet He still loves me.  Amazing.

On Sunday, my pastor spoke on the story in Mark when Jesus cast demons out of a man who had been living like an animal out in the burial caves.  It's a story I've heard many times, but as it often happens, I heard something new this time.  After the man was healed he asked Jesus if he could go with him. It says he actually begged to go with him.  But Jesus said no.

He said no.

That hurts.

Seventeen years ago I begged and pleaded with God to save my baby girl.  To give her breath and make her heart beat again.  But He said no. And my soul still aches.

Why would he take her?? I had just lost my father to suicide. I had come out of a pretty bad  situation with a previous relationship not too long before that. Hadn’t I suffered enough? Why was He punishing me??  I was trying to live right.  I was going to church, and doing as much as I knew how to do right. But still no??

The pastor pointed out that in that story, Jesus had been asked two other question previous to that one.  The demons asked to go into the pigs and He said yes.  And the crowd asked Jesus to leave and He said yes.  Yes to the demons, yes to the angry crowd, and no to the poor man who wanted to follow Jesus?  Guess it's not always about our obedience or what we think we deserve, eh?  That was eye-opening...and somewhat comforting, as crazy as that sounds.  It reminds me that it doesn't depend on me. If I keep just submitting to His will and walking in obedience, He's got a plan. I may not understand it, or even agree with it, but I can trust it.

After losing Kaylee I had to stay in my Bible.  It was really the only thing I could do for a couple months afterwards.  I came across several stories that inspired me and encouraged me not to lose my faith. While he certainly lost a lot more than I did, Job was a story of hope for me.  I tried to model my life after him a little bit, remembering that his faith never wavered and God rewarded him for that.  We even named our next daughter after one of his so that every day of my life I would remember this story and model of a faithful servant to our Lord.

I have several friends with children that are about the age Kaylee would be now.  This year she'd be getting ready for her senior year.  She'd be thinking about prom and boys and college SATs and probably fighting her way through parental constraints to find herself. Oh what I wouldn't give to fight with her about what she should and shouldn't wear or watch or say or...anything.  I watch the young adults around me and am curious which she would be like.  Who she'd be friends with and what she'd be in to.  Believe it or not, it helps a bit to have an idea of what her life might have been like.

But I can't stay with those thoughts long or else they grow into bitterness.

I don't know why He said no.  But as I sit here and listen to her little sister play ukulele and sing worship music I can hear remnants of her trying to sing with me.  And as her brothers play together in the other room laughing, I can remember her laugh. And her big brother, the only one of them who had the opportunity to play with her and hold her this side of heaven, I get to watch him open his heart again to her sweet niece, Kalypso, and I can feel her love come alive again in him.  If we hadn't lost her, I don't know if our family would be as close to God today. It was her death that caused my heart to turn back to my home and leave my corporate job to homeschool.  It was her death that drove me back into His Word.  It is her death that keeps me close to Him and relying on Him day after day. And I may never know the many other lives that were and are touched by her short life.

So again, I don't know why He said no, but I'm so glad He said yes so many other times.  And I will live in this no.  I will celebrate because I know my God is in control.

I will trust this no.  I will stay.  And I will tell my family and friends everything the Lord has done for me and how merciful He has been.  (Mark 5:19)

We will be releasing ladybugs and painting ladybug rocks at Olympic Park in Kendall on Friday, March 29 at 10am, if you'd like to join us this year.