Time does not heal

Fourteen years.  A lot can happen in that amount of time. Trials, celebrations, new beginnings, and even some good-byes.  Time can be a funny thing.  It can camouflage itself as a sloth as it races by like a jaguar.  It masks itself as money, only to prove itself priceless.  It can trick you into believing it is healing you, separating you from the things you want to forget, when it's actually distancing you from some of the most precious moments in life.

I've often wondered what it would be like to live outside of its limitations, its trickery.  I am beginning to understand how that could be possible.  Sometimes it feels like fourteen years ago was yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a different lifetime.  This continuum we live on is so fickle.  Wait, then hurry.  Stop and smell the roses.  The early bird gets the worm.  Enjoy the moment.  Seize the day. SLOW DOWN.  Don't get left behind.

We can't stop it.  We can't control it.  It's simply a resource.  And a tricky one at that. It's manipulative as it disguises itself as something we have plenty of, then looks back and smiles over it's shoulder with a shrug as the last of it runs out.  It bolsters a high value and the thing of most importance.  After all, it's an important currency in building relationships so there is a high value to it.  It is perhaps one of the most valuable resources we have.  But it quietly slips through our fingers when we are not watching. It's slippery and treacherous and valuable and priceless all at once.

One thing I know for sure about it though...time does NOT heal.

No matter how much time passes between the day my daughter left this world and now, time does not help. Fourteen years does nothing to cover the scar from when my soul was ripped in two. Fourteen years doesn't take away the pain of empty arms or breasts full of milk with no sweet baby to nourish.  Or dreams that have no hope of ever coming true. Time can't fix the pain and confusion in my other children's hearts as to why their sister is gone.  It doesn't help my son who loved his little sister with a great and innocent love that turned into a loss so deep and irreparable, the wound is still throbbing. Time does nothing for that. Except for maybe allowing us to fortify and strengthen those walls we build that keep us from feeling the hurt.  But those same walls also lock out the joy.

Those walls become thick, calloused and numb.  While that's good to protect us from the pain, it also separates us from the good times, the celebrations, the memories, the things yet to come.  I don't ever want to stop feeling the love I had in my heart when I held my daughter close.  When I nursed her.  When I dressed her and combed her hair.  When I sang to her with visions and dreams of her life to come. When I prayed for her future.  He had a plan for her, too, right?  What happened?  Or is it still happening?

We get caught up in the promises of the Bible and equate them to earthly promises and success.  A promise of a future does not necessarily mean the same in God's eyes as it does through the eyes of our world.  We have to keep our eyes fixed on the things of Heaven.

In HIS timeline, Kaylee's future still is.  His time doesn't stop when our hearts do.  She still has a purpose and a plan.  She still even has a legacy here on this earth.  It may not look like those dreams that danced in my head as I held her in my arms for three months, but it is powerful.  She still has much to do for the rest of eternity and her short life here on earth can still have an impact if I turn to God and trust in Him to carry it out.

It is only through HIM that we can survive such a loss.  Time has nothing to do with it.

If you are in the Miami area, we will be honoring our little girl with a ladybug release on the anniversary of her passing.  We do this every year as a way to help us all remember her and to help keep her close to our hearts and our eyes fixed on Jesus.  We've deemed March 29 as Ladybug Day and have done it every year since she passed in memory of her.  She was our Ladybug.  A sweet soul that came into our lives and chased away some of the bad bugs that were trying to separate us from the True Vine.

Here is an explanation of how and why we celebrate Ladybug Day. 

Ladybug Day is a celebration of life our family loves to share with our friends and their children.  The kids love it and the message is sticks.  God hears our prayers.  Always. If you and your family would like to join us, you can email me at ladybugjung@gmail.com for more info.

Happy Birthday, Ladybug

Today is Kaylee's twelfth birthday. I usually try to write on these days. It usually helps. Usually. But I don't have it in me today. Instead I'm reposting a letter from last year. One I needed to read. Please pray for me if you can. Right now I'm sitting in the middle of the "nevers" and hurting. I will give it to God before the day's over. Because that is the only way to heal this pain. Anything else just numbs it. Time doesn't help. Food doesn't either. And neither does screaming at your kids. I've tried them all and in the end, the pain is still there. Sometimes even more fierce. But my God is greater. He is stronger. And He will come to my rescue.

Repost from December 27, 2012: Eleven years. Wow.  Time passes by so quickly when we aren't looking.  Sometimes it seems like a blink of an eye, yet at other times, a whole different lifetime.  The picture on the right was taken just a day before Kaylee went home to meet Jesus.  I like to believe she's praying for us in it.  It makes me smile. Somehow it's as if she knows what the next day will bring. 

Burying a child isn't normal.  But even harder still is the simple task of living after such a tragedy.  People ask me how we got through it. But you're never THROUGH it.  That suggests some sort of finality or ending.  The pain of losing a child doesn't end.  It's a wound that never heals. 

Thank God for a Savior that tends to that wound on a daily basis.  Another death, the holidays, a birthday, a familiar laugh, a special toy or song, all or any of these things split the scar wide open again.  Only the salve of Christ's love can ease the pain.  Cover it so nothing else gets in there and makes it worse.  Protect it from infection of bitterness, anger, and other things of this world that tend to find their way into our hurting hearts.  

Later today we will make a ladybug cake.  We'll sing and celebrate the birthday of my little girl who is not here with us.  My little girl who never got to have a birthday party.  Never got to learn to play piano.  Never got to swim.  Never spoke a word.  Never had a first kiss.  The nevers could go on and on.  They are endless. And they are where the bitterness lie.  I cannot go there.  At least I cannot stay.

I tell my boy, Kaleb, who struggles with anxiety and some pretty intense emotions, "Don't focus on the bad, think of the GOOD things." So that's what I will do.

For three months, I got to hold the most beaufitul baby girl of all time.  I got to nurse her and love her.  I got to see her first smile and hear her first coo. I got to give her her first bath and feed her her first cereal.  I got to comfort her when she cried.  I got to hold her in my arms when she left this world. And I get to love her forever.

So yes, today we will bake a cake and sing and celebrate the birthday of the little girl that changed our lives forever.  Looking forward to the day when we can all celebrate together.

He has Conquered the Grave!

It's that time of year again!  Time to celebrate that Jesus conquered the grave.  I'm so glad Ladybug Day is close to Easter, it helps me stay focused and to remember we don't have to fear death!  I know my Ladybug is waiting for me with Jesus, and one day I will hold her in my arms again.  I hope many of you can join us as we celebrate her memory and honor the legacy she left behind.  Below is the original post for  this blog explaining what Ladybug Day is and why we celebrate.  I pray you are blessed by the sweet memory of my little girl, Kaylee. 

Repost 06/14/2009                                                              

OK, it's been on my heart to start blogging for quite some time now. Could give a number of excuses for it, but since I hate excuses, I won't bore you with mine :) Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. Perhaps in the process, I can get a little therapy through writing and possibly even provide some encouragement for others.

Those that know me will totally understand the name I gave the blog :) For those that don't, it's not about natural pesticides or a cutesy reference for all things "girly." For me, ladybugs remind me of my faith in God, and my sweet little girl, Kaylee. Kaylee was only in our lives for three short months. Well, actually, I guess it was a full year if you count the time she was growing inside of me. But at the age of 3 months and 2 days, she died suddenly due to an undetected heart defect.

I praise God for the time we had with her. I know I'm probably biased, but she was absolutely the most beautiful baby. And I'm sure this sounds cliche, but she touched the hearts of all who laid eyes on her. We couldn't go anywhere without people just loving all over her...and of course she was giving it right back. The small Korean church where we were serving, couldn't have a service if she was there. NO ONE paid any attention to the poor pastor...they were all focused on little Kaylee. :) She had this plush ladybug rattle that she loved. And she had a bouncy seat with a ladybug, caterpillar, and butterfly. She would giggle as she watched them spin and dangle in front of her. She had these adorable little pink pajamas with, you guessed it, ladybugs all over them :) She was our little ladybug.

When the first anniversary of her death began to approach, I searched and searched for a meaningful way to remember her. I couldn't just forget. It wasn't possible. And for those out there dealing with the same type of issue who are trying to forget a lost loved one, please stop. It won't work. The option of locking myself in my room and crying all day sounded appealing to a part of me, but the wiser part (although it's a much smaller part :) knew that wasn't healthy. I had to come up with a way to honor her memory, but more importantly, honor the God who helped my family get through the previous year.

Everytime I saw a ladybug, it reminded me of her. So, I looked into ladybugs and the history of them. Sounds silly, eh? But what I found out led me to what we decided was the perfect way of celebrating little Kaylee as well as pointing us back to Christ. You see, ladybugs are what you call "good bugs." They eat the "bad bugs." After finding that out, I realized that Kaylee truly was a ladybug in every sense. You see, her short little existence was enough to eat up a lot of the bad things in my life and in the lives of my family. Her smile melted bitterness. Her laugh destroyed anger. Even her cry fought off impatience and selfishness. And her death brought us to our knees pleading with God for help. He did just that. I know Kaylee is safe in heaven waiting on me. I miss her everyday, but I know I'll see my little ladybug again. Without a doubt. And until that time, I will do my very best to keep those bad bugs far from me and those around me.

So, that's what I would like this blog to be about. Fighting off those bad bugs and other things that come into our lives and eat up all that is good. God, thank you for the ladybugs!


How the Ladybug got its Name
In Medieval time in Europe, bad bugs were destroying all the crops. The farmers prayed and these little red beetles showed up. They ate up all the bad bugs and saved the crops. They named these good bugs after the Virgin Mary, calling them Beetles of the Lady, because they believed that God had answered their prayers and sent the bugs to save them. Over time, the name has changed to Lady beetles, Ladybirds, and now the most common, Ladybugs. So now every time you see one of those cute little ladybugs, you can be reminded that God hears and answers our prayers!

We've declared March 29 Ladybug Day. We usually release live ladybugs some where and give out some kind of ladybug token with cards explaining the story of the ladybug and the verse Jeremiah 33:3. It's helped us turn a day that probably would be unbearable into something that encourages us, our family and hopefully those around us. To know that even in death, my little girl can still make an impact to those whose lives she touches is healing.

Eleven years. Wow.  Time passes by so quickly when we aren't looking.  Sometimes it seems like a blink of an eye, yet at other times, a whole different lifetime.  The picture on the right was taken just a day before Kaylee went home to meet Jesus.  I like to believe she's praying for us in it.  It makes me smile. Somehow it's as if she knows what the next day will bring. 

Burying a child isn't normal.  But even harder still is the simple task of living after such a tragedy.  People ask me how we got through it. But you're never THROUGH it.  That suggests some sort of finality or ending.  The pain of losing a child doesn't end.  It's a wound that never heals. 

Thank God for a Savior that tends to that wound on a daily basis.  Another death, the holidays, a birthday, a familiar laugh, a special toy or song, all or any of these things split the scar wide open again.  Only the salve of Christ's love can ease the pain.  Cover it so nothing else gets in there and makes it worse.  Protect it from infection of bitterness, anger, and other things of this world that tend to find their way into our hurting hearts. 

Later today we will make a ladybug cake.  We'll sing and celebrate the birthday of my little girl who is not here with us.  My little girl who never got to have a birthday party.  Never got to learn to play piano.  Never got to swim.  Never spoke a word.  Never had a first kiss.  The nevers could go on and on.  They are endless. And they are where the bitterness lie.  I cannot go there.  At least I cannot stay.

I tell my boy, Kaleb, who struggles with anxiety and some pretty intense emotions, "Don't focus on the bad, think of the GOOD things." So that's what I will do.

For three months, I got to hold the most beaufitul baby girl of all time.  I got to nurse her and love her.  I got to see her first smile and hear her first coo. I got to give her her first bath and feed her her first cereal.  I got to comfort her when she cried.  I got to hold her in my arms when she left this world. And I get to love her forever.

So yes, today we will bake a cake and sing and celebrate the birthday of the little girl that changed our lives forever.  Looking forward to the day when we can all celebrate together.

In honor of our Ladybug's birthday, please say a prayer for one of the parents who lost their child at Sandy Hook.  Please lift them up by name. They are listed below.  I know that so many people prayed for my family after we lost Kaylee.  That is how we get through.  Only by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Pray specifically that His light will shine bright into their lives.  So bright they cannot ignore it.  That the peace that passes all understanding will rest on them and in them.  That what the enemy meant for harm, God will turn into good for generations for each of these families.  That they will know and trust in Him alone through it all.

- Charlotte Bacon
- Daniel Barden
- Rachel Davino
- Olivia Engel
- Josephine Gay
- Ana M. Marquez-Greene
- Dylan Hockley
- Dawn Hochsprung
- Madeleine F. Hsu
- Catherine V. Hubbard
- Chase Kowalski
- Jesse Lewis
- James Mattioli
- Grace McDonnell
- Anne Marie Murphy
- Emilie Parker
- Jack Pinto
- Noah Pozner
- Caroline Previdi
- Jessica Rekos
- Avielle Richman
- Lauren Rousseau
- Mary Sherlach
- Victoria Soto
- Benjamin Wheeler
- Allison N. Wyatt

He Didn't Choose Me

In my 39 years of life, I've really only known 2 people who've taken their own lives.  My sophomore year there was a spree at our high school.  Three guys committed suicide in a matter of months.  I really only knew one of them.  It was so unthinkable to me even then.  At that point, I had had my share of traumatic events and depressing situations, but NEVER had I EVER considered suicide.  Could things really be that bad?  And while I wasn't really close to Larry, we did run in the same circle.  So many of my close friends were very close to him.  I saw the pain they were going through.  It was horrible. 

But that wasn't my first brush with suicide.  I can remember going to the hospital on Easter to visit my father once.  I must have been about 8 or 9 years old.  I remember my mom getting my brother and I up like it was any other Easter and dressing us in our special Easter outfits.  We went to church, and then to the hospital.  It was weird because I didn't remember my dad being sick, but suddenly he was in the hospital.  He didn't look sick.  I've since learned he was hospitalized after an obviously unsuccessful suicide attempt. The years that followed were filled with threat after threat and even more attempts.  Somehow a part of me always knew that's how it would end.

Today is the anniversary of the day my dad chose death.  He was sick.  I know.  He had problems.  But I can't get around the fact that he chose death.  Death over seeing his daughter get married.  Death over seeing his first granddaughter be born in just 2 months.  Death over me.  I know our relationship wasn't always the best, but I loved him.  I wanted him to be happy.  Was our relationship so bad that when confronted with the option between death and his daughter, he didn't choose me?

The last time we spoke was the day before.  It was September 11, 2001.  We were all numb and in shock over the thousands of people that were just killed.  We fought.  How cliche. My last words to him were in the midst of a fight.  I know in my mind that it was his choice, but in my heart, I still feel responsibility.  I try not to beat myself up with the what-ifs.  Somedays that's easier than others.

I still don't get suicide.  It has to be the most selfish act ever.  I have felt the worst pain possible in burying my own child, and still, I cannot see how anyone could do it.  When they came in and told me my little girl didn't make it, yes, the pain was unthinkable.  I literally felt my soul rip.  And if I'm completely honest, I can say there was a moment that my desire to breath waned.  But then I thought of my son.  How could I not go on?  What about Kedric?  What about my husband?  What about my mother, and Dave, and my brother and sisters?  How could I make their pain worse?  Together we would get through this.  I chose to keep living. 

I just wish my father had done the same.  And I wish I could have helped him with that.

Grief's a Mug

Kedric and Kaylee, Early March 2002

Tomorrow will be ten years.  Ten years since I've held my sweet Kaylee in my arms.  Ten years since I gazed into her deep brown, knowing eyes.  Ten years since I sang to her.  Sometimes it seems longer.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday.  I don't know if it will ever get easier.  Sometimes I just bust out into tears...my friends tell me I'm hormonal from just having Kai, but I don't know.  Poor Kai, if he so much as coughs, I have him at the doctor.  I KNOW they think I'm crazy.  

I've never been through a "Ladybug Day" with an infant.  Kai is not that far off from Kaylee's age when she died.  My other kids were much older and, I don't know, sturdier it seemed for past Ladybug Days.  Not sure if that's why it seems harder or not.  He's also the first one that really has resembled her.  There are times I just can't help but think of her when I look at him. Especially since he's started smiling.  He has her smile.  I think God waited 10 years on purpose for that.  Maybe I couldn't have handled it before. But when he cracks that smile, it's amazing.  How can a heart be filled with such joy and sorrow at the same time?

I know my God will help me tomorrow.  I want Ladybug Day to be a celebration.  A time to be grateful for the time we have with the precious gifts God has given us.  A day to celebrate His unfailing love, even in the midst of death.  He doesn't promise us an easy life, just that He will walk through it all with us.  Natalie Grant has a song called "Held."  I love it.  Listen to it often.  Reminds us of this.  Here is the chorus.

This is what it means
To be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive
This is what it is
To be loved
And to know
That the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

Here's a link to the full song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy6tW28GceQ

The song holds many parallels to our experience.  Kaylee was just three months old.  And I was praying, with my whole heart and soul, when she died.  And I know that bitterness that can so easily settle in my heart.  I have tasted it.  I pray that I can open that wise hand and see the beauty that will unfold, even from her short life.

I love you, Ladybug.
Mama Jung

Ladybug day is almost here!

Ladybug day will be here in just a few short weeks!  Not sure what it's all about?  Here's a repost of my first blog explaining this special day we've created to honor the memory of our daughter, Kaylee.  Hope you can join us!  We'll be releasing live ladybugs this year at JC Bermudez park and celebrating afterwards at our home. 

Repost 06/14/2009                                                             

OK, it's been on my heart to start blogging for quite some time now. Could give a number of excuses for it, but since I hate excuses, I won't bore you with mine :) Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. Perhaps in the process, I can get a little therapy through writing and possibly even provide some encouragement for others.

Those that know me will totally understand the name I gave the blog :) For those that don't, it's not about natural pesticides or a cutesy reference for all things "girly." For me, ladybugs remind me of my faith in God, and my sweet little girl, Kaylee. Kaylee was only in our lives for three short months. Well, actually, I guess it was a full year if you count the time she was growing inside of me. But at the age of 3 months and 2 days, she died suddenly due to an undetected heart defect.

I praise God for the time we had with her. I know I'm probably biased, but she was absolutely the most beautiful baby. And I'm sure this sounds cliche, but she touched the hearts of all who laid eyes on her. We couldn't go anywhere without people just loving all over her...and of course she was giving it right back. The small Korean church where we were serving, couldn't have a service if she was there. NO ONE paid any attention to the poor pastor...they were all focused on little Kaylee. :) She had this plush ladybug rattle that she loved. And she had a bouncy seat with a ladybug, caterpillar, and butterfly. She would giggle as she watched them spin and dangle in front of her. She had these adorable little pink pajamas with, you guessed it, ladybugs all over them :) She was our little ladybug.

When the first anniversary of her death began to approach, I searched and searched for a meaningful way to remember her. I couldn't just forget. It wasn't possible. And for those out there dealing with the same type of issue who are trying to forget a lost loved one, please stop. It won't work. The option of locking myself in my room and crying all day sounded appealing to a part of me, but the wiser part (although it's a much smaller part :) knew that wasn't healthy. I had to come up with a way to honor her memory, but more importantly, honor the God who helped my family get through the previous year.

Everytime I saw a ladybug, it reminded me of her. So, I looked into ladybugs and the history of them. Sounds silly, eh? But what I found out led me to what we decided was the perfect way of celebrating little Kaylee as well as pointing us back to Christ. You see, ladybugs are what you call "good bugs." They eat the "bad bugs." After finding that out, I realized that Kaylee truly was a ladybug in every sense. You see, her short little existence was enough to eat up a lot of the bad things in my life and in the lives of my family. Her smile melted bitterness. Her laugh destroyed anger. Even her cry fought off impatience and selfishness. And her death brought us to our knees pleading with God for help. He did just that. I know Kaylee is safe in heaven waiting on me. I miss her everyday, but I know I'll see my little ladybug again. Without a doubt. And until that time, I will do my very best to keep those bad bugs far from me and those around me.

So, that's what I would like this blog to be about. Fighting off those bad bugs and other things that come into our lives and eat up all that is good. God, thank you for the ladybugs!


How the Ladybug got its Name
In Medieval time in Europe, bad bugs were destroying all the crops. The farmers prayed and these little red beetles showed up. They ate up all the bad bugs and saved the crops. They named these good bugs after the Virgin Mary, calling them Beetles of the Lady, because they believed that God had answered their prayers and sent the bugs to save them. Over time, the name has changed to Lady beetles, Ladybirds, and now the most common, Ladybugs. So now every time you see one of those cute little ladybugs, you can be reminded that God hears and answers our prayers!

We've declared March 29 Ladybug Day. We usually release live ladybugs some where and give out some kind of ladybug token with cards explaining the story of the ladybug and the verse Jeremiah 33:3. It's helped us turn a day that probably would be unbearable into something that encourages us, our family and hopefully those around us. To know that even in death, my little girl can still make an impact to those whose lives she touches is healing.

Ladybug Day is almost here!

This Tuesday marks another Ladybug Day...the ninth for us. Hard to believe. Sometimes it feels like little Kaylee was in my arms just yesterday. I can feel her breath on my neck as I held her to burp her. See her adorable crooked smile as I sing to her. Get lost in those huge deep brown eyes. I thank God that those memories are still so intense. I miss her terribly, but the thought of not having even memories is gut-wrenching. I know one day I'll hold my baby girl again. I know she is safe...she's saving a place for all of us...me, dad, and her brothers and sister...and anyone else reading this post who calls Jesus their Lord and Savior. Grief is strange. This year for some strange reason I keep finding myself angry. I'm not angry at God...I truly know He's working all things together for good. But anger is the feeling I keep confronting. It's been nine years. Why does it still hurt SO bad? It's frustrating. I think deep inside I know that it will never stop. I don't even know if it gets easier...you just learn to keep moving forward. We learn to live with the pain instead of running from it. You can't hide, so why waste the energy running? Might as well deal with it and try and figure out the lesson in it. That's how I've dealt anyway. When it comes to fight or flight, I've always been a fighter. I wrestle with the grief until it gives me something...until I figure out why God has me here. I want to learn the lesson so I can get out of this place! Maybe that's why I'm angry this year. It's been nine years, and still, it hurts. Bad. WHY AM I STILL HERE STUCK IN THIS PAIN? I've always been goal-oriented, seeking after progress, reaching for the next level. But this still feels the same. Nine years. No progress. Sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. God, I don't know why you have me here in this place, but I trust you. And if this is where you want me, broken, hurting, I know there is a purpose. There must be. This Tuesday at 6:30pm we'll be setting ladybugs free at Morgan Levy Park in Doral if anyone wants to join! We do this every year in her honor and tell others the story of the ladybug and reminding them that God is faithful and answers prayer!

Simple questions

How many? Simple question. Why does it have so many ramifications for me? It's been almost nine years since we lost our daughter. And yes, the days get easier...sometimes. But there are certain things that take me right back to the center of my grief. Like simple questions. How many kids do you have? Seems easy enough. I have four. Or do I? I've birthed four. I've held four. I've nursed four. I've changed diapers of four. I've loved four with all of my heart. I have a right to say FOUR. And sometimes I do.

And yet other times, I don't. On those occasions, my stomach turns. As if I'm betraying my Kaylee. Saying "you're not my daughter." How could I say that? How could I hurt my ladybug like that? I know it's not rational. But who said anything about grief being rational? I know that when I say three, everyone else is comfortable and it all makes sense. Except to me.

When I say four, I eventually have to explain. And sometimes people just totally weird out on me. Shut completely up. Change the subject. I wonder if according to culture there's a closeness that's required before something like that is shared. And I would imagine that some people who are around me often might be tired of hearing about my sweet baby girl and are wondering when I will get over it and get on with life. The answer: never. Never will I get over burying my child. Every day it's a struggle. Sometimes easier, sometimes unbearable. Talking about her helps me. Heals me. But there are reminders every day like these simple questions. I cannot escape it. I will not forget her. She's my daughter.

When I cover up Kaylee, I cover up what an amazing work God did in my family to get us through that time. I cover up the power and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And I miss the opportunity to share my faith and possibly minister to someone else dealing with similar pain.

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

In the Bible when it talks about Job being restored, it says God "gave him twice as much as before." And then it goes on to give the actual numbers for his camels, sheep, and oxen and it was all exactly twice as much. Then it goes to say he have him 10 more children. If he was given twice as much, he should have been given 20. UNLESS, those original 10 children were still his. They weren't gone...simply waiting for him.

So my answer? Four. I have four beautiful, wonderfully-made children. And one day, we will all be together again.

What's in a name?

OK, it's been on my heart to start blogging for quite some time now. Could give a number of excuses for it, but since I hate excuses, I won't bore you with mine :) Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. Perhaps in the process, I can get a little therapy through writing and possibly even provide some encouragement for others.

Those that know me will totally understand the name I gave the blog :) For those that don't, it's not about natural pesticides or a cutesy reference for all things "girly." For me, ladybugs remind me of my faith in God, and my sweet little girl, Kaylee. Kaylee was only in our lives for three short months. Well, actually, I guess it was a full year if you count the time she was growing inside of me. But at the age of 3 months and 2 days, she died suddenly due to an undetected heart defect.

I praise God for the time we had with her. I know I'm probably biased, but she was absolutely the most beautiful baby. And I'm sure this sounds cliche, but she touched the hearts of all who laid eyes on her. We couldn't go anywhere without people just loving all over her...and of course she was giving it right back. The small Korean church where we were serving, couldn't have a service if she was there. NO ONE paid any attention to the poor pastor...they were all focused on little Kaylee. :) She had this plush ladybug rattle that she loved. And she had a bouncy seat with a ladybug, caterpillar, and butterfly. She would giggle as she watched them spin and dangle in front of her. She had these adorable little pink pajamas with, you guessed it, ladybugs all over them :) She was our little ladybug.

When the first anniversary of her death began to approach, I searched and searched for a meaningful way to remember her. I couldn't just forget. It wasn't possible. And for those out there dealing with the same type of issue who are trying to forget a lost loved one, please stop. It won't work. The option of locking myself in my room and crying all day sounded appealing to a part of me, but the wiser part (although it's a much smaller part :) knew that wasn't healthy. I had to come up with a way to honor her memory, but more importantly, honor the God who helped my family get through the previous year.

Everytime I saw a ladybug, it reminded me of her. So, I looked into ladybugs and the history of them. Sounds silly, eh? But what I found out led me to what we decided was the perfect way of celebrating little Kaylee as well as pointing us back to Christ. You see, ladybugs are what you call "good bugs." They eat the "bad bugs." After finding that out, I realized that Kaylee truly was a ladybug in every sense. You see, her short little existence was enough to eat up a lot of the bad things in my life and in the lives of my family. Her smile melted bitterness. Her laugh destroyed anger. Even her cry fought off impatience and selfishness. And her death brought us to our knees pleading with God for help. He did just that. I know Kaylee is safe in heaven waiting on me. I miss her everyday, but I know I'll see my little ladybug again. Without a doubt. And until that time, I will do my very best to keep those bad bugs far from me and those around me.

So, that's what I would like this blog to be about. Fighting off those bad bugs and other things that come into our lives and eat up all that is good. God, thank you for the ladybugs!


How the Ladybug got its Name
In Medieval time in Europe, bad bugs were destroying all the crops. The farmers prayed and these little red beetles showed up. They ate up all the bad bugs and saved the crops. They named these good bugs after the Virgin Mary, calling them Beetles of the Lady, because they believed that God had answered their prayers and sent the bugs to save them. Over time, the name has changed to Lady beetles, Ladybirds, and now the most common, Ladybugs. So now every time you see one of those cute little ladybugs, you can be reminded that God hears and answers our prayers!

We've declared March 29 Ladybug Day. We usually release live ladybugs some where and give out some kind of ladybug token with cards explaining the story of the ladybug and the verse Jeremiah 33:3. It's helped us turn a day that probably would be unbearable into something that encourages us, our family and hopefully those around us. To know that even in death, my little girl can still make an impact to those whose lives she touches is healing.