But what about...

Even after 14 years of this homeschooling gig, and no matter how many times I reiterate WHY we homeschool and that those priorities are WAY more important to us than any other possible factor as to why we would put our kids in traditional school, we still get lots of "but what about________?" (insert your favorite school memory or program or reason here)

So that's what I'll focus on today.  The buts.

But what about sports?

Upward Football League

I love sports.  I was an athlete all the way through the collegiate level.  Sports are great for teaching discipline, teamwork, diligence, and many other things.  It's great exercise...which we could all use more of.  So yes, I agree that sports are important.  But homeschooling does not disqualify you from participating in sports.  Most young Olympians are, at least for part of their lives, homeschooled.  There are even professional athletes that were homeschooled.  Ever heard of Tim Tebow or the Williams sisters.  And here are a few more.

In the state of Florida (and many others as well) it is legal for homeschoolers to participate on athletic teams for the school they are zoned for.  Also, many private schools welcome homeschoolers on their sports teams.  Personally, I've found that some of the best athletic programs aren't even attached to schools.  The parks department and a handful of churches host their own leagues.  Upward programs are also available in many areas.  I love this program because it teaches MORE than just the game, it also focuses on sportsmanship and character development.

But what about opportunities like student government?

My daughter in her service committee brainstorming different ideas for her club to serve their community.

OK.  I was on the student council one year in high school.  I think we met three times. And I don't remember anything we did.  And while I'm sure there are many great things that it CAN teach you, as you can tell, it didn't make a HUGE impact on me :)  BUT again, I do see value here.  It's nice for students to learn how to run meetings, to gain leadership experience, to have the opportunity to participate in a governing body and learn about democracy and how organizations like this run, and to perhaps do something together to give back to their community.  But student council is not the only venue for doing this.

My kids are involved in 4H.  When I was growing up in Indiana, 4H (or so I thought) was for farmers.  4H kids showed pigs and raised rabbits and shucked corn. Boy was I wrong.  4H is SO much more than that.  My kids participate only at the club and county levels (they also have district, statewide, and even national events).  4H is a national youth development program.  Think of the clubs as these little independent student councils that are working together to learn leadership skills and serve their communities.  The meetings are run by the students.  The students are elected into office by other students.  The officers set up and approve agendas and projects and events to suit the group's needs and desires.  Meetings are generally held once a month, with events spread out throughout other times. Tell me again what my kids are missing by not being in student council?

But what about dances and other social events?

We even have opportunities for those awkward pics!

Have you read the news lately?  Every year for prom and other dances, there are a handful of high schoolers who leave for the dance but never return.  Not beating down any doors for my kiddos to have a chance at that.  Also, I attended several of these events in my own middle and high school years, and while there were a few that were fun and even memorable, none of them were life-changing.

But again, I do see value in fellowship and social events. And celebrations are important!  That's why MANY homeschool groups have these events as well.  In our area there are annual homecoming and proms for homeschoolers.  Not to mention all the support groups who have beach days, museum meet-ups, park days, field trips, movie nights, skating events, and MUCH MORE.  There are graduation events, as well. In all honesty, there are probably MORE opportunities to socialize for homeschoolers because, well, we work at it.  We are intentional with it.  And because of that, it is often more meaningful. And to be honest, probably a little safer as well.

But what about friends?
As I alluded to in the previous paragraph, there are SO many opportunities for our children to socialize.  We have 4H, church, sports leagues and programs, dance and voice lessons, taekwondo, support group events, and the list literally could go on forever.  But let's talk seriously about this friendship thing.

When I was in school I had about two to three girls at any given time that I would run with.  Did I know more than that?  Yes.  Did the fact that I actually KNEW OF thirty other ten year olds when I was ten add any value to my childhood experience?  Probably not.  Friends are one of those things you measure qualitatively not quantitatively.  It is not about the number of friends our kids have, it's about the quality and experience in those friendships.  I personally don't want to throw my kids into the throngs of the popularity game.  It's over-rated and potentially damaging.

Full disclosure here:  When my oldest was 13, he went back to school for a few years.  It wasn't my idea, but I chose not to fight him and his father on it.  He suddenly had MANY new friends. More than I could count. More than I could know.  Friends who had parents I knew nothing about...whose lives I knew nothing about...whose values I knew nothing about.  Friends who had other ideas about what was right and wrong and who sometimes had parents that just didn't have the time or resources to stop and pay attention to the decisions their kids were making.  And this affected my son.  It affected his perception of right and wrong...too soon. As his parents, we lost even more credibility and some influence because now his peer group was HUGE and VERY different than us.  So while yes, the amount of friends he had grew, so did the amount of drama, conflict, negative influence and so many other things.  Be careful what you wish for.

Still.  Loneliness is hard. There have been seasons when my other children have gone through a time with fewer friends.  It is hard to watch your child be lonely.  But as an adult, we also have those seasons.  Instead of trying to "fix it" for them, if we can encourage our children through these times and teach them that they that will pass and how to effectively get through them, we are only better preparing them for life.  That is our goal, right?  Not happy kids...but successful and grounded adults. I also know that my times of loneliness are often also times of personal development and a strengthening of my faith.  I lean on God more than people.  My faith grows.  There's more time for introspection, for thinking, for reading, for service, and for other things that a full social calendar often interfere with. When we make decisions based on what makes our kids happy in the moment, its easier at that time, but in the end, we pay. And speaking of paying...

But what about the cost?
Yes, public and charter schools are free...in as much as they do not collect tuition.  But you get what you pay for.  Any finance person will tell you that there are more costs than just the immediate monetary ones.  You may not have to pay tuition or purchase curriculum, but what are the hidden costs?

Time with your child is one.  And your child's very own time for himself is another.  Traditional school takes time.  As homeschoolers, we can get done in 3-4 hours what it might normally take a couple eight hour days in a traditional school setting.  And then there is homework.  So they're gone all day, and then they come home with more work to do.  Many will often spend as much time doing homework than you might spend doing regular homeschooling work.  Throw in an extra curricular activity and you might get an hour with your kids a day if you're lucky.  And you'll need to use that to feed them and prep for the next day.

Flexibility is also another cost.  As homeschoolers, you have control over your own schedule.  If you want to take a vacation in November when there are no crowds, do it.  If you need to take off out of state for a month and take care of a sick relative or go on a mission trip, do it.  If you want stay up late and spend more time with dad, who works late, and wake up at 9am instead of 6am, do it. No mad dashes out the door to catch the bus.  No doctors notes to explain absences. No getting permission to raise your child the way you see fit.

When companies need to do something that does not directly affect their mission or vision, or does not involve critical or valuable materials, they outsource.  However, they would never hand over valuable product or intel, or anything they hold near and dear to their vision or philosophy to be outsourced.  This is because if the outsourcing company balks or fails, it can directly effect their bottom line and even have a huge impact on the overall success and even survival of the company.  Our children are the most precious and valuable gift we've ever been given. Raising them might very well be the most important thing I do in my life.  And God placed them under me and has gifted me with exactly what is needed to lead them.  And if there's something else they need, He will provide that as well!  If I outsource this responsibility to someone else, they absolutely will not be as invested as I am.  And that can lead to costs that I am not willing to pay.

What are other "buts" you've run across or are wrestling with now in regards to homeschooling?  Would love to continue this conversation in the comments below and even to point you to resources that can help!

Why We Homeschool

When I first had kids, homeschooling wasn't even in my vocabulary.  I didn't know any homeschoolers.  I had never thought about homeschooling.  In all honesty, I didn't even know it existed.  When your kids got old enough, they went to school.  That was just the way it was.  My first was in daycare and preschool while I finished up my degree and worked.  I was on my way to an MBA and planned on busting through some corporate ceilings!

Then life happened.  Isn't that the way it always is?  Over the course of about six months, God really opened my eyes up to what He wanted for me...for my family.  He turned my heart towards my home and my family and away from the world.  

We started homeschooling after my husband's company transferred us to Korea.  There really weren't a lot of educational options for a 6 year old who didn't speak fluent Korean in a small town over there.  We were either going to have to board him and pay $10,000 for first grade, or homeschool.

My husband is South Korean and came to the US to study.  His host family in college were homeschoolers. They were my first introduction to this lifestyle...a lovely family with strong connections and solid faith.  Mike and Linda made it look easy, so I thought I'd give it a try.  I was completely over-confident.  This wasn't going to be a long-term thing, so surely I could pull it off without any hinges. He was an early reader, intuitive with math and science. Even if we "lost" a year or so, he'd be ready to enter at grade level when we came back to the states.  

Then I fell in love.  All over again, I got to know my son.  We shared experiences.  We had fun.  We fought.  We cried.  We laughed.  We learned.  Together.  It wasn't always easy.  But we were together. That was important to me.  That was important to him. 

I always loved teaching.  When you teach something new to someone, I believe there is an experience created.  A memory.  Those "Aha" moments brought us closer.    

It also made me a better mom.  I could no longer hide things.  He witnessed a LOT more of my life than before.  So I had to stay on my toes.  I learned to be patient, because, well, I didn't really have another choice. This is often an excuse I hear from others as to why they don't homeschool..."Oh I don't have enough patience to do that."  Guess what...neither do I.  But His strength is made known in our weakness.  Patience is like a muscle.  You have to exercise it to grow it.  And yes, homeschooling gives you plenty of opportunities to develop that muscle.  But it is an important muscle to develop.  One we're actually called to develop, so if anything, lack of patience could be a reason TO homeschool.  :)  See what I did there?  

So, while our homeschool started out as a practical solution to a temporary situation, fourteen years later here we are...still homeschooling.  And it has NOTHING to do with where we live. We've added a few students to our school over the years as well.   

We homeschool because...

1. We can.  It is a blessing to be able to do this.  It is currently legal to homeschool in the U.S. and there are MANY opportunities for homeschoolers to participate in different programs, communities, and co-ops.  Our environment is homeschool friendly.  My kids have WAY more opportunities to pursue the things God has called them to because we do homeschool.  We can get our actual school work done in a couple hours a day (as opposed to the seven to eight in a traditional school) and then we have more time to pursue extra-curricular or dive deeper into subjects they are really interested in. They certainly aren't missing out not being in a public school.
2. Socialization is better for homeschoolers.  Seriously.  This whole socialization topic is ridiculous. Schools don't teach our kids to socialize.  How many times in your adult life have you sat in a room with 30 people who are exactly your age and your level to work on something or learn something? Our traditional schools were actually modeled after a Prussian schools system that was designed to indoctrinate students and build loyalty to the new king.  Scary.  Homeschool kids have so many more opportunities to learn life skills, including socialization.  At home, they usually have siblings to deal with.  Definitely opportunity for conflict resolution skills there. Plus, parents can involve them more in the daily running of the household.  They could learn to pay bills, do their own laundry, take care of a home, grow their own food, cook their own meals, even prepare meals for their family.  And outside of the home, there are a plethora of opportunities.  My kids participate in youth sports programs two to three times a week.  We are part of 4H where each of them actually hold an office in which they were voted in for by their club members.  They take classes at local studios for dance, music, and taekwondo.  We also participate in Classical Conversations where they come together once a week with other students from like-minded families who are using the same curriculum to provide accountability and strong relationships as they grow and learn together. They are not lacking in opportunities for socialization.  In our area, the toughest thing for homeschoolers to learn to do is say no to outside activities.  There are lots of GOOD things out there. With co-ops, enrichment programs, guitar lessons, taekwondo, church, field trips, and more...just trust me, socialization is EASY. 
3. It is the best option for us.  Our second son has a learning style that would not fit well in a traditional school environment.  Being able to grow and work with him on his terms has allowed him to flourish.  Four years ago, he would have been considered below grade-level in reading and writing.  He is now above grade-level for both.  I honestly believe this is due to the fact that at home, I did not have to label him or put him in special classes to catch up, I simply taught him and encouraged him at his level.  And he learned without doubting his capabilities or having a crutch to lean on because of a label.  As a homeschooler, all of my kiddos can work at their own level, whether it's ahead or behind.  They don't have to feel the stress of staying with the pack and can pursue things that interest them if they finish their work.  My oldest has been able to spend more time on his passion, music.  And my daughter isn't surrounded by the everyday pressures to fit in.  And all of them get to develop a relationship with their youngest brother who if they were gone all day, would barely get to see them!
4. We spend WAY less time on academics, and get better results!  Instead of waking everyone up at the crack of dawn and rushing everyone out the door, shoving breakfast in our face in the car, only to spend seven hours shuffled around from room to room, then to come home for two to three more hours of homework, my kids get to work at a pace a little less frantic.  They wake up at a decent hour, but if we were out late the night before for a church event or with friends, or to see a super cool lunar eclipse, they might sleep in a bit...and I will get no calls from an attendance office.  We wake up and have a leisurely breakfast, read our Bible, play with their little brother, and settle into some school work.  We get our work done, and we get to do life together.  
5. My family and my kids' spiritual foundation is more important than my career.  I don't mean this as a slam to anyone.  Honestly.  Everyone's situation is different.   I have a degree and have been very successful in the professional field.  I could contribute significantly to my family's finances.  But I do not feel called to do so.  Thirteen years ago we had to bury a child.  That will forever be a part of me and every decision I make.  Time is fleeting.  Things of this world will burn up and be gone forever.  But the investments we make in our children regarding their faith and Christ's love for them will live on.  My children are royalty, heirs to the throne of Christ.  Their education should be that of royalty and it is worth the sacrifices my family makes regarding finances, time, and my career.   

Of course there are many reasons to homeschool, but these are our top five.  It's not because we hate public schools or public school teachers.  I actually commend teachers because their job is REAL and TOUGH.  We don't homeschool because we're elitist, thinking we're better than anyone who doesn't homeschool.  It's a choice we've made.  It's not easy every day.  Some days and months and years are hard.  But the pay-off is immeasurable.  

Happy Birthday, Ladybug

Today is Kaylee's twelfth birthday. I usually try to write on these days. It usually helps. Usually. But I don't have it in me today. Instead I'm reposting a letter from last year. One I needed to read. Please pray for me if you can. Right now I'm sitting in the middle of the "nevers" and hurting. I will give it to God before the day's over. Because that is the only way to heal this pain. Anything else just numbs it. Time doesn't help. Food doesn't either. And neither does screaming at your kids. I've tried them all and in the end, the pain is still there. Sometimes even more fierce. But my God is greater. He is stronger. And He will come to my rescue.

Repost from December 27, 2012: Eleven years. Wow.  Time passes by so quickly when we aren't looking.  Sometimes it seems like a blink of an eye, yet at other times, a whole different lifetime.  The picture on the right was taken just a day before Kaylee went home to meet Jesus.  I like to believe she's praying for us in it.  It makes me smile. Somehow it's as if she knows what the next day will bring. 

Burying a child isn't normal.  But even harder still is the simple task of living after such a tragedy.  People ask me how we got through it. But you're never THROUGH it.  That suggests some sort of finality or ending.  The pain of losing a child doesn't end.  It's a wound that never heals. 

Thank God for a Savior that tends to that wound on a daily basis.  Another death, the holidays, a birthday, a familiar laugh, a special toy or song, all or any of these things split the scar wide open again.  Only the salve of Christ's love can ease the pain.  Cover it so nothing else gets in there and makes it worse.  Protect it from infection of bitterness, anger, and other things of this world that tend to find their way into our hurting hearts.  

Later today we will make a ladybug cake.  We'll sing and celebrate the birthday of my little girl who is not here with us.  My little girl who never got to have a birthday party.  Never got to learn to play piano.  Never got to swim.  Never spoke a word.  Never had a first kiss.  The nevers could go on and on.  They are endless. And they are where the bitterness lie.  I cannot go there.  At least I cannot stay.

I tell my boy, Kaleb, who struggles with anxiety and some pretty intense emotions, "Don't focus on the bad, think of the GOOD things." So that's what I will do.

For three months, I got to hold the most beaufitul baby girl of all time.  I got to nurse her and love her.  I got to see her first smile and hear her first coo. I got to give her her first bath and feed her her first cereal.  I got to comfort her when she cried.  I got to hold her in my arms when she left this world. And I get to love her forever.

So yes, today we will bake a cake and sing and celebrate the birthday of the little girl that changed our lives forever.  Looking forward to the day when we can all celebrate together.

18 and Life

Ever stop and take a moment in time?  One of those moments when you stop and look around you and truly

see all that God has done in your life and your family?  When you stop and realize how far He has brought you and how He was not only there for the mountains and the valleys, but he was hoisting you on shoulders to celebrate the highs, and cradling and protecting you through the lows.  Tonight I got a chance to take one of those moments.  After a LONG week of holiday parties, planning meetings, training events, and of course homeschooling 4 kids and attending to my family in the meantime, I sat in my dining room in soaking it all in.

Just hours before the room was filled with people who, since our move to Miami, have poured into and loved on my family and my son.  It was sweet to share an evening with them, celebrating 18 years of glorious life with my rock star, Kedric.  I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without him...don't even want to think about it.  As a tribute, I'm compiling some of my favorite song lyrics...some old, some new...that remind me of him.  Some I used to sing to him.  Some we used to sing together when he was much older...like the track that the title gets credit for.  But it was those silly times together, those moments in time, that I'm so grateful for.  Those are the most precious.  When we just smiled and laughed together.  

It is my prayer that as my family transitions into this season of life, that we always remember those moments. And that we continue to create new ones!  That we never forget the One who brought us together and kept us together.  That as each of us grow into this new phase, we learn and grow from one another.  That we keep open hearts and minds and always love each other with courageous, genuine, unconditional love.  

I cannot believe the one I used to hold in my arms and sing to sleep is taller than me now.  Time.Slow.Down.Please.  I've seen my bright-eyed, strong-willed, boo-bear grow into a young man before my eyes.  I've seen him grow through struggles and seasons that many adults get stuck in.  He has insight and wisdom far beyond his years.  I am blessed to call him son.  

Kedric, this is for you. I'm speaking to you in one of your love languages...song lyrics :)  I hope you know that the thought crossed my mind to actually work with one of our guitarist friends and actually sing all of them to you tonight at your party.  You can thank me later for choosing to blog instead :)  Maybe they'll be an extra $20 in your card tomorrow if you can give me all the song titles :)  

Don't stop believin!  

If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can then, you call me up, cause you know I"ll be there.  

I believe you can fly.  I believe you can touch the sky.  

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever think, that your nothin, you are perfect to me.  

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, I'll be there for you.  When the rain starts to fall, I'll be there for you.  Like I've been there before, I'll be there for you.  

For you I will lay my life on the line.  For you I will follow.  For you I will die.  With everything, my heart my soul, I'll give my world I'll give it all. 

And I thank you for choosing me, to come through and delight to be the beautiful reflection of His grace.  See I know that a gift so great is only one God could create and I'm reminded every time I see your face.  

You'll always be my baby.  Do do do oh.  Do do do di do do dooh yeah. Do do do oh.  Yeah you'll always be my baby. :)

Some pics from tonight's celebration!  If you missed it, please send Kedric some love via Facebook or Instagram (@kedricwlal)

I Surrender.

Teenagers.  The word itself strikes fear in some.  Especially if you're a parent.  Whew.  Even with all the books, counseling and workshops out there, the task of raising one of these creatures into adulthood seems to be daunting.  I had a mother of twelve once tell me that when her boys hit adolescence, it was strictly survival mode.  But I've always been a little cocky. I know...hard to believe, right? :) Even downright invincible sometimes (at least in my mind), so I thought I'd maneuver through this parent-of-a-teen gig rather smoothly.  I mean, up until this point, parenting and I had gotten along quite well..with the exception of potty-training my Kaleb...but that's a different post. The point is, I felt pretty confident as a parent as my oldest rounded the corner into teen-hood.

SMACK.

That was reality slapping me so hard in the face the whelp is still visible nearly five years later.

Parents, of younger kiddos, STAY VIGILANT.  It will make that smack of reality much less painful if you set boundaries, establish authority, develop relationship, and build them up in the LORD now.

And really, my oldest is a great kid...or shall I say young man.  He's got a good head on his shoulders.  Very insightful.  One of the best sense of humors.  And God has gifted him with unbelievable talent as a musician. My very own personal rock star.  Often times, it's easy to forget he's only 17.

But we have our moments.  They are fewer and farther between now, thank God.  But they still creep up. If one of us is over-tired or anxious.  Or if we have a super-busy week and don't get a chance to talk about schedules or plans and things are miscommunicated.  Or money...just not enough of it to go around.  Mostly it's me being scared to death I'm not doing this whole parenting thing right.

We just can't seem to see eye-to-eye sometimes.  They think we're controlling them.  We think we're protecting them.  They think we're being nosey.  We think we're building relationships.  They think we're overprotective.  We think "What happened to my BABY!?!?!"

The other day I told someone that nothing has tested my faith more than being the parent of a teen.  Nothing. Even as the words rolled off my fingertips (I was typing them :)  I questioned them.  Really?  How could this be true?  I've buried a child.  Nothing could test your faith like that, right?  I must be wrong.  But my behavior with my son would suggest otherwise.  I've had more panic attacks since his 13th birthday than I had for years after we lost Kaylee.  How can this be so?  I've even had people comment on how my family walked so gracefully through that time of loss.  Grace could certainly not be used to describe my demeanor as I parent my teen. What the heck is wrong with me?

At church this past Sunday my pastor spoke on how in the midst of tragedy, and no matter what happens here on this earth, God is always with us.  I never felt His presence more than when we lost our daughter. There was nothing of me left.  I can remember times when it felt as if he was literally breathing for me...because I just didn't have the will to do it on my own.  I had no idea how to cope with this loss.  All I could do was rest in Him.  There was no taking matters into my own hands.  There was nothing I could fix or change.  My hands were tied, so I surrendered.

I surrendered.  That's it.  I surrendered to HIS way.  I listened to HIS wisdom.  I rested in HIS strength.

Not exactly been my prominent parenting strategy these last few years.  And there ya go.  I wasn't trusting God for my son's life.  I was doing things my way.  Scrambling to find man's knowledge and approval, and doing it all in my own strength.

My oldest turns 18 in less than two months.  I will have an adult child.  Still hard to believe.  But I know that God is working in him.  I know God has a plan and a purpose for him.  A plan to prosper him, not to harm him. A plan for a hope and future.  I will continue to pray and parent, but God, please help me to do it in YOUR strength and with YOUR wisdom.  I will trust the promises you have for my son, just as I trust you have them for me.  I will get out of your way and allow you to write the testimony of his life that will proclaim your glory.  And it will be much better than I could have ever done on my own.

He has Conquered the Grave!

It's that time of year again!  Time to celebrate that Jesus conquered the grave.  I'm so glad Ladybug Day is close to Easter, it helps me stay focused and to remember we don't have to fear death!  I know my Ladybug is waiting for me with Jesus, and one day I will hold her in my arms again.  I hope many of you can join us as we celebrate her memory and honor the legacy she left behind.  Below is the original post for  this blog explaining what Ladybug Day is and why we celebrate.  I pray you are blessed by the sweet memory of my little girl, Kaylee. 

Repost 06/14/2009                                                              

OK, it's been on my heart to start blogging for quite some time now. Could give a number of excuses for it, but since I hate excuses, I won't bore you with mine :) Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. Perhaps in the process, I can get a little therapy through writing and possibly even provide some encouragement for others.

Those that know me will totally understand the name I gave the blog :) For those that don't, it's not about natural pesticides or a cutesy reference for all things "girly." For me, ladybugs remind me of my faith in God, and my sweet little girl, Kaylee. Kaylee was only in our lives for three short months. Well, actually, I guess it was a full year if you count the time she was growing inside of me. But at the age of 3 months and 2 days, she died suddenly due to an undetected heart defect.

I praise God for the time we had with her. I know I'm probably biased, but she was absolutely the most beautiful baby. And I'm sure this sounds cliche, but she touched the hearts of all who laid eyes on her. We couldn't go anywhere without people just loving all over her...and of course she was giving it right back. The small Korean church where we were serving, couldn't have a service if she was there. NO ONE paid any attention to the poor pastor...they were all focused on little Kaylee. :) She had this plush ladybug rattle that she loved. And she had a bouncy seat with a ladybug, caterpillar, and butterfly. She would giggle as she watched them spin and dangle in front of her. She had these adorable little pink pajamas with, you guessed it, ladybugs all over them :) She was our little ladybug.

When the first anniversary of her death began to approach, I searched and searched for a meaningful way to remember her. I couldn't just forget. It wasn't possible. And for those out there dealing with the same type of issue who are trying to forget a lost loved one, please stop. It won't work. The option of locking myself in my room and crying all day sounded appealing to a part of me, but the wiser part (although it's a much smaller part :) knew that wasn't healthy. I had to come up with a way to honor her memory, but more importantly, honor the God who helped my family get through the previous year.

Everytime I saw a ladybug, it reminded me of her. So, I looked into ladybugs and the history of them. Sounds silly, eh? But what I found out led me to what we decided was the perfect way of celebrating little Kaylee as well as pointing us back to Christ. You see, ladybugs are what you call "good bugs." They eat the "bad bugs." After finding that out, I realized that Kaylee truly was a ladybug in every sense. You see, her short little existence was enough to eat up a lot of the bad things in my life and in the lives of my family. Her smile melted bitterness. Her laugh destroyed anger. Even her cry fought off impatience and selfishness. And her death brought us to our knees pleading with God for help. He did just that. I know Kaylee is safe in heaven waiting on me. I miss her everyday, but I know I'll see my little ladybug again. Without a doubt. And until that time, I will do my very best to keep those bad bugs far from me and those around me.

So, that's what I would like this blog to be about. Fighting off those bad bugs and other things that come into our lives and eat up all that is good. God, thank you for the ladybugs!


How the Ladybug got its Name
In Medieval time in Europe, bad bugs were destroying all the crops. The farmers prayed and these little red beetles showed up. They ate up all the bad bugs and saved the crops. They named these good bugs after the Virgin Mary, calling them Beetles of the Lady, because they believed that God had answered their prayers and sent the bugs to save them. Over time, the name has changed to Lady beetles, Ladybirds, and now the most common, Ladybugs. So now every time you see one of those cute little ladybugs, you can be reminded that God hears and answers our prayers!

We've declared March 29 Ladybug Day. We usually release live ladybugs some where and give out some kind of ladybug token with cards explaining the story of the ladybug and the verse Jeremiah 33:3. It's helped us turn a day that probably would be unbearable into something that encourages us, our family and hopefully those around us. To know that even in death, my little girl can still make an impact to those whose lives she touches is healing.

Eleven years. Wow.  Time passes by so quickly when we aren't looking.  Sometimes it seems like a blink of an eye, yet at other times, a whole different lifetime.  The picture on the right was taken just a day before Kaylee went home to meet Jesus.  I like to believe she's praying for us in it.  It makes me smile. Somehow it's as if she knows what the next day will bring. 

Burying a child isn't normal.  But even harder still is the simple task of living after such a tragedy.  People ask me how we got through it. But you're never THROUGH it.  That suggests some sort of finality or ending.  The pain of losing a child doesn't end.  It's a wound that never heals. 

Thank God for a Savior that tends to that wound on a daily basis.  Another death, the holidays, a birthday, a familiar laugh, a special toy or song, all or any of these things split the scar wide open again.  Only the salve of Christ's love can ease the pain.  Cover it so nothing else gets in there and makes it worse.  Protect it from infection of bitterness, anger, and other things of this world that tend to find their way into our hurting hearts. 

Later today we will make a ladybug cake.  We'll sing and celebrate the birthday of my little girl who is not here with us.  My little girl who never got to have a birthday party.  Never got to learn to play piano.  Never got to swim.  Never spoke a word.  Never had a first kiss.  The nevers could go on and on.  They are endless. And they are where the bitterness lie.  I cannot go there.  At least I cannot stay.

I tell my boy, Kaleb, who struggles with anxiety and some pretty intense emotions, "Don't focus on the bad, think of the GOOD things." So that's what I will do.

For three months, I got to hold the most beaufitul baby girl of all time.  I got to nurse her and love her.  I got to see her first smile and hear her first coo. I got to give her her first bath and feed her her first cereal.  I got to comfort her when she cried.  I got to hold her in my arms when she left this world. And I get to love her forever.

So yes, today we will bake a cake and sing and celebrate the birthday of the little girl that changed our lives forever.  Looking forward to the day when we can all celebrate together.

In honor of our Ladybug's birthday, please say a prayer for one of the parents who lost their child at Sandy Hook.  Please lift them up by name. They are listed below.  I know that so many people prayed for my family after we lost Kaylee.  That is how we get through.  Only by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Pray specifically that His light will shine bright into their lives.  So bright they cannot ignore it.  That the peace that passes all understanding will rest on them and in them.  That what the enemy meant for harm, God will turn into good for generations for each of these families.  That they will know and trust in Him alone through it all.

- Charlotte Bacon
- Daniel Barden
- Rachel Davino
- Olivia Engel
- Josephine Gay
- Ana M. Marquez-Greene
- Dylan Hockley
- Dawn Hochsprung
- Madeleine F. Hsu
- Catherine V. Hubbard
- Chase Kowalski
- Jesse Lewis
- James Mattioli
- Grace McDonnell
- Anne Marie Murphy
- Emilie Parker
- Jack Pinto
- Noah Pozner
- Caroline Previdi
- Jessica Rekos
- Avielle Richman
- Lauren Rousseau
- Mary Sherlach
- Victoria Soto
- Benjamin Wheeler
- Allison N. Wyatt

Just Drink

The other day, a friend of mine was watching as I fed my 5 month old and made the comment that she loved watching babies eat.  "It's so peacful," she confessed.  I would agree with that. Watching an infant receive just what he needs from someone who loves him with all they have, it's a picture of trust we just don't often see in this world.

My son trusts me completely to give him everything he needs.  When he's eating, he's completely content.  He's not worried about how the milk was made or where it came from.  He's not worried about his next bottle, or if I'm going to change his diaper so his bottom doesn't get red, or anything else I do for him on a daily basis.  He trusts me completely.  He doesn't have to worry about anything.  He just drinks.

What a wonderful thing.  Complete trust.  No doubt or worries.  Just resting and knowing your needs will be met.  I could so learn from that.  I know in my heart that God will take care of me, but sometimes, as I've said before, my head takes over and doesn't always see things the same way.  Especially when uncertainty rears its head.  When we moved to Miami, we weren't able to sell our home in Montgomery.  We've struggled with bad tenants who never pay rent on time or at all, a property manager that skipped town, huge unexpected expenses for repairs and damages, and just a lot of extra hassle.  Not only does it take up a considerable amount of money, but dealing with all these things also takes time.  We've come very close to losing the house, and therefore our credit, more than a couple times. But each time it's worked out. Money has literally fallen in our lap when we least expected it. Or the bank has extended our grace period one more time.  Or the tenants get a conscience and finally pay rent. Or my amazing parents extend us an interest-free loan. However it happens, He works it out.  As long as we're living under the umbrella of His protection, our Heavenly Father takes care of us.  Just like I take care of my son. 

So, even though I have no idea how He's going to make this next month work, I'm trusting He is. I'm not going to worry about the next month, or the one after that.  I don't have to.  He hasn't let me down yet and He won't.  When I truly need it, He'll have it.  So I, too, will just drink.  

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8

Choices

Life is full of choices.  Sometimes we want to blame others for the situations we are in, but often, they're simply a result of choices we've made.  Of course there are the obvious times when we screw up and have to deal with the consequences.  You hurt someone = lost relationship.  You spend to much money = too much debt.  You stay up late = you're tired the next day, can't think clearly, and often end up making more bad choices that lead to even more consequences. But sometimes, even the good choices we make can lead to consequences.

We call it sacrifice.  That's a nice word.  We like to think of ourselves as sacrificing for the good of others...especially mothers.  I've made many choices as a mother.  With my first, I chose to work outside the home.  I really felt I had no choice...I was single, no help from the dad...again stemming from a choice I made.  But in all honesty, I did have a choice.  I could have gone into the system, lived in subsidized housing and off the government, or my family.  And to a point I did rely on those services.  However, I chose to work and get through the rest of my college.  I didn't have as much of a social life as my friends.  My child spent a LOT of time with grandparents, which I'm grateful for.  But it was hard to be away from him, and eventually, I quit an amazing job at Toyota because I just couldn't stand having other people raise my child.  My choice.

I took a job at a social work agency.  LOVED what I was doing.  Felt like I was really helping people.  And I still got off in time to spend quality time with my kiddo.  But it wasn't all roses.  Our income dropped drastically.  Debt incurred.  Stress developed.  And frustration set in.  I began looking for another job and landed a great position at a community college being a part-time instructor.  The hours were better and so was the pay.  And, I love teaching...still felt like I was helping people.  My kid was in a good school. I had another baby.  Life was good.

Funny how life events change our perspective.

When she was three months old, we lost our second child.  It was sudden and unexpected.  And of course, had a profound effect on me.  I realized how short life is and how precious our children are.  I wanted to dedicate my life to them.  God had given them to me as a gift.  He had placed them in my care and I wanted to give them the very best of me.

When I was growing up, I always had notions of being a strong working mom.  I watched my mom do it and had so much respect for her.  My dream was to have a successful career.  I had a real drive and ambition. I planned on going back to school, getting my MBA, and blowing the heck out of those glass ceilings!  Never did I consider being a stay-at-home mom.  Thought never even crossed my mind.  Ever.  That's why I know it had to come from God.  He changed my heart.  He turned it toward my family.  Then He provided a way.

I wanted to bless my family with all of me.  And my arms that had ached for another baby after our loss, now wanted to have a house FULL of them!  God placed women in my life that had the same calling who taught me a lot.  We began homeschooling.  And I LOVED it.  I had always loved teaching.  There's a connection created between teacher and student when something is learned.  That connection is magnified and so much more special when it's your own child.  I don't profess that parents who don't homeschool are bad parents. I think it's a choice we make.  And I thank God for allowing it to be an option for us.  We revisit the decision often and if we're ever called away from it, then we'll follow God.

Our oldest is now in school.  I question this decision often, but am trusting God has a purpose and a plan for him. He's been able to reach out and invite MANY of his school friends to church.  Perhaps that is why God has him there now.  But I'm glad we were able to pour into him in the beginning so he could have a more solid foundation. Or perhaps God was using our first child to prepare me for our third...who would seriously struggle in a traditional school setting.  But none of that matters.  We were prepared to meet his needs and continue on with our homeschooling, knowing that God is providing the best for him through a loving and non-threatening learning environment.  A place he can learn his way and be encouraged, not judged and compared.  Again, there may come a time when God has him in school, but until then, we feel strongly that this is what God wants for our family.

This is what we choose. So what is the sacrifice?  That corporate driven side of me has to be held in check a lot.  It will rear it's ugly head and cry, "What about me? I can do that!  I want to be involved in that!"  I want to be successful in what I do.  I admit it, I want to be respected and valued.  Sometimes, people look at me and see only this stay-at home mom who's homeschooling her kids...weird.  :)  They don't know the side of me that has a degree and fought with the big dogs in corporate America.  Or the fact that I've been in ministry for nearly 10 years.  They see only what's in front of them...and often I fall into the trap of proving myself.  Jeesh.  Why?  I don't have to do anything except what is pleasing to God.  Why do I seek the approval of man? Why do I care if I'm overlooked or left out? I've chosen this.  Me.  If I want the other...to run crazy hard after another great mission and vision...I have to let this one go.   And I don't feel God is calling me away from this one just yet.  One day.  Yes.

One day, the kids will be grown, or they'll all be in school.  And then, I can run hard after something else.  Until then,  I have to give the rest a little less.  Right now God has given me this as my priority and I'm choosing to follow and trust Him on it.  He has given me a mighty mission in my family.  An admirable one.  I will not run away from it.  I will not give up.  I will not blame others for the decisions I've made.  I will embrace this season of my life and be grateful for the choices God has given me.  And the beautiful children he has blessed me with.

-This is a re-post that is extremely relevant in my life right now. One thing that's changed is that our oldest is coming back home for school. I don't regret anything. I think God had him in school for a reason, and now he's coming back home for a recap on that solid foundation before he soars off into this world on his own. So blessed to be a mom!

Grief's a Mug

Kedric and Kaylee, Early March 2002

Tomorrow will be ten years.  Ten years since I've held my sweet Kaylee in my arms.  Ten years since I gazed into her deep brown, knowing eyes.  Ten years since I sang to her.  Sometimes it seems longer.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday.  I don't know if it will ever get easier.  Sometimes I just bust out into tears...my friends tell me I'm hormonal from just having Kai, but I don't know.  Poor Kai, if he so much as coughs, I have him at the doctor.  I KNOW they think I'm crazy.  

I've never been through a "Ladybug Day" with an infant.  Kai is not that far off from Kaylee's age when she died.  My other kids were much older and, I don't know, sturdier it seemed for past Ladybug Days.  Not sure if that's why it seems harder or not.  He's also the first one that really has resembled her.  There are times I just can't help but think of her when I look at him. Especially since he's started smiling.  He has her smile.  I think God waited 10 years on purpose for that.  Maybe I couldn't have handled it before. But when he cracks that smile, it's amazing.  How can a heart be filled with such joy and sorrow at the same time?

I know my God will help me tomorrow.  I want Ladybug Day to be a celebration.  A time to be grateful for the time we have with the precious gifts God has given us.  A day to celebrate His unfailing love, even in the midst of death.  He doesn't promise us an easy life, just that He will walk through it all with us.  Natalie Grant has a song called "Held."  I love it.  Listen to it often.  Reminds us of this.  Here is the chorus.

This is what it means
To be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive
This is what it is
To be loved
And to know
That the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

Here's a link to the full song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy6tW28GceQ

The song holds many parallels to our experience.  Kaylee was just three months old.  And I was praying, with my whole heart and soul, when she died.  And I know that bitterness that can so easily settle in my heart.  I have tasted it.  I pray that I can open that wise hand and see the beauty that will unfold, even from her short life.

I love you, Ladybug.
Mama Jung

Coming Home

Been awhile.  Sad that most of my posts start out with that statement.  This time, however, I may just have a reasonable excuse.  I had a baby last month!  Number five.  People usually respond to that with one of two exclamations:  "You're crazy!" or "You're brave!"  I've accepted the truth probably lies somewhere in between. 

So, the last month has been a time of finding a new "regular" in the Jung home.  We're getting there, but I will admit, it has been a bit of a bumpy ride. The first week especially.  More so than you're regular first-week-with-a-new-baby bumpy.  Our sweet baby boy spent the first week of his life in Intensive Care. It was what they call a step-down unit...Intermediate.  So he wasn't the sickest of babies, but he had to be under constant observation.  It was hard enough that he couldn't be in the room with me.  I couldn't nurse him that first night even.  He was all the way on another floor and in another wing of the building.  It seemed like miles to get to him. 

Then I was discharged.  They actually told me to go home without him.  How could I leave without my baby? My sweet, brand new, baby boy.  He was helpless.  He needed his mom.  And they want me to leave him here all alone? Sure, the nurses in the NICU were amazing, but none of them love him like I do. A baby needs his momma. How can I leave him so young?

We knew this was going to be a possibility since the second day. In my mind I had been working out how I could get through it...the things I would tell myself.  But I honestly wasn't sure if I could physically make myself leave the building. Everytime I would think about it, my legs would get weak. I could sleep in the chairs in the waiting room (actually security would have chased me out.) I could find an empty room in a quiet wing and hide in a bed. But on the other hand, I had three kids at home that needed me, too. And they all needed their mom to be healthy and strong. I asked for prayer, and by God's grace I was able to walk out of the building.

The next couple days were a whirlwind. I wish I could say I moved through this trial with grace, faithfully trusting my Heavenly Father every step of the way.  But that'd probably be a lie.  I did my very best to get to the hospital every three hours to nurse him. My mother and husband were probably about to check me back into the hospital...but this time, not in the maternity ward. I slept about 2 hours a day.  No joke.  Between the drive to and from the hospital, eating and drinking healthy so my milk would come in, giving the other kids at least a little attention from mom, pumping when we missed a feeding, and a shower every other day or so, there just wasn't much time for sleep.  My main focus was getting back to Kai. I didn't even have time to realize how tired I was.

Then it happened.  I was nursing him Saturday night.  Dad was there with me.  We have him right in front of his little incubator and he was still all plugged up to his monitors and IV.  Test results had come back.  His billirubin level was 19.  The charge nurse practically ripped him off my breast and said we have to get him back under his light.  They even went and got two other special lights, one to go under him and another in front of him.  Now I couldn't even hold him.  I didn't understand. The nurse explained to me that if his number gets to 20, he goes to the higher level ICU and they start discussing options for blood transfusions.  WHAT JUST HAPPENED?  I thought he was just jaundiced? 

I went into a tailspin.  It was happening again.  The doctors and nurses assured me he was going to be fine as long as we let them do their job. They quoted statistics to me. So did my husband.  All in his favor of course.  But statistics and logic don't do much good for a mom who's already lost one child to a very RARE heart defect that happens less than .2% of the time. Statistics had not been my friend. The heart is not logical. I don't want to hear how good his chances are, I want him to be in my arms and home.  I just wanted to take him home!  And now, I have to leave again?  When he's even sicker?  Why, God?

My husband struggles when I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack. I imagine it's partly because he wants to fix it, and can't.  And partly because the whole guys-not-dealing-with-tears-well thing.  He tries, bless his heart.  But he was also hurting and sleep-deprived.  We were a mess.  I called my friend, Crystal.  She prayed with me on the phone as I walked out of the hospital.  And then I found out afterward, she unleashed the prayer warriors!  I came home for another two hours sleep and then back to the hospital. 

His numbers weren't down, but it wasn't the steady climb of the last couple days.  We prayed more.  And the next test, they were DOWN!  And then down some more!  Could it be we might be going home soon?  Kai's brothers and sister were beside themselves wanting him home too!  We all wanted to be home.  The craziness of the last couple days was starting to wear on us all.  I actually begin having hallucinations Sunday afternoon. I'm sure it was sleep-deprivation.  I decided I better try and get at least 4 hours sleep that night. 

Tuesday afternoon the news came...he was released!!  We were sooo excited!  Finally, our family could be together!  I will never forget the feeling riding in the car on the way home. Pure joy. And that night, we didn't really do anything special, just ate together...as a family...and watched some tv together...all of us...as a family. It was SO nice to just be all together in the same room.  It made me think of heaven.  I mean after all, this earth is not our home.  We're all here, waiting until the day we get discharged, so we can go to our true home with God.  And sometimes, just like a stay in the hospital, our stay here can be rocky. Full of uncertainty.  Sometimes we're even away from the ones we love.  I wonder if those loved ones who've gone on before get excited about us "coming home." I wonder if they're waiting patiently and watching as we go through our struggles here, rooting us on, pleading and intercessing for us when we're in trouble. Longing for that day when they can bring us home and we can all be together.  What a glorious day that will be. 

Kai is doing wonderfully now.  Had his 1-month check up yesterday and all looks good! He's tough. Runs in the family :)  And if you were one of those prayer warriors out there covering us last month, we are SO grateful for you!  What a beautiful thing when God's people come together in prayer!

Choices

Life is full of choices.  Sometimes we want to blame others for the situations we are in, but often, they're simply a result of choices we've made.  Of course there are the obvious times when we screw up and have to deal with the consequences.  You hurt someone = lost relationship.  You spend to much money = too much debt.  You stay up late = you're tired the next day, can't think clearly, and often end up making more bad choices that lead to even more consequences.

But sometimes, even the good choices we make can lead to consequences.  We call it sacrifice.  That's a nice word.  We like to think of ourselves as sacrificing for the good of others...especially mothers.  I've made many choices as a mother.  With my first, I chose to work outside the home.  I really felt I had no choice...I was single, no help from the dad...again stemming from a choice I made.  But in all honesty, I did have a choice.  I could have gone into the system, lived in subsidized housing and off the government, or my family.  And to a point I did rely on those services.  However, I chose to work and get through the rest of my college.  I didn't have as much of a social life as my friends.  My child spent a LOT of time with grandparents, which I'm grateful for.  But it was hard to be away from him, and eventually, I quit an amazing job at Toyota because I just couldn't stand having other people raise my child.  My choice.

I took a job at a social work agency.  LOVED what I was doing.  Felt like I was really helping people.  And I still got off in time to spend quality time with my kiddo.  But it wasn't all roses.  Our income dropped drastically.  Debt incurred.  Stress developed.  And frustration set in.  I began looking for another job and landed a great position at a community college being a part-time instructor.  The hours were better and so was the pay.  And, I love teaching...still felt like I was helping people.  My kid was in a good school. I had another baby.  Life was good.

Funny how life events change our perspective.  When she was three months old, we lost our second child.  It was sudden and unexpected.  And of course, had a profound effect on me.  I realized how short life is and how precious our children are.  I wanted to dedicate my life to them.  God had given them to me as a gift.  He had placed them in my care and I wanted to give them the very best of me.

When I was growing up, I always had notions of being a strong working mom.  I watched my mom do it and had so much respect for her.  My dream was to have a successful career.  I had a real drive and ambition. I planned on going back to school, getting my MBA, and blowing the heck out of those glass ceilings!  Never did I consider being a stay-at-home mom.  Thought never even crossed my mind.  Ever.  That's why I know it had to come from God.  He changed my heart.  He turned it toward my family.  Then He provided a way.

I wanted to bless my family with all of me.  And my arms that had ached for another baby after our loss, now wanted to have a house FULL of them!  God placed women in my life that had the same calling who taught me a lot.  We began homeschooling.  And I LOVED it.  I had always loved teaching.  There's a connection created between teacher and student when something is learned.  That connection is magnified and so much more special when it's your own child.  I don't profess that parents who don't homeschool are bad parents. I think it's a choice we make.  And I thank God for allowing it to be an option for us.  We revisit the decision often and if we're ever called away from it, then we'll follow God.  Our oldest is now in school.  I question this decision often, but am trusting God has a purpose and a plan for him. He's been able to reach out and invite MANY of his school friends to church.  Perhaps that is why God has him there now.  But I'm glad we were able to pour into him in the beginning so he could have a more solid foundation.

Or perhaps God was using our first child to prepare me for our third...who would seriously struggle in a traditional school setting.  But none of that matters.  We were prepared to meet his needs and continue on with our homeschooling, knowing that God is providing the best for him through a loving and non-threatening learning environment.  A place he can learn his way and be encouraged, not judged and compared.  Again, there may come a time when God has him in school, but until then, we feel strongly that this is what God wants for our family.  So this is what we choose.

So what is the sacrifice?  That corporate driven side of me has to be held in check a lot.  It will rear it's ugly head and cry, "What about me? I can do that!  I want to be involved in that!"  I want to be successful in what I do.  I admit it, I want to be respected and valued.  Sometimes, people look at me and see only this stay-at home mom who's homeschooling her kids...weird.  :)  They don't know the side of me that has a degree and fought with the big dogs in corporate America.  Or the fact that I've been in ministry for nearly 10 years.  They see only what's in front of them...and often I fall into the trap of proving myself.  Jeesh.  Why?  I don't have to do anything except what is pleasing to God.  Why do I seek the approval of man? Why do I care if I'm overlooked or left out?

I've chosen this.  Me.  If I want the other...to run crazy hard after another great mission and vision...I have to let this one go.   And I don't feel God is calling me away from this one just yet.  One day.  Yes.  One day, the kids will be grown, or they'll all be in school.  And then, I can run hard after something else.  Until then,  I have to give the rest a little less.  Right now God has given me this as my priority and I'm choosing to follow and trust Him on it.  He has given me a mighty mission in my family.  An admirable one.  I will not run away from it.  I will not give up.  I will not blame others for the decisions I've made.  I will embrace this season of my life and be grateful for the choices God has given me.  And the beautiful children he has blessed me with.

Simple questions

How many? Simple question. Why does it have so many ramifications for me? It's been almost nine years since we lost our daughter. And yes, the days get easier...sometimes. But there are certain things that take me right back to the center of my grief. Like simple questions. How many kids do you have? Seems easy enough. I have four. Or do I? I've birthed four. I've held four. I've nursed four. I've changed diapers of four. I've loved four with all of my heart. I have a right to say FOUR. And sometimes I do.

And yet other times, I don't. On those occasions, my stomach turns. As if I'm betraying my Kaylee. Saying "you're not my daughter." How could I say that? How could I hurt my ladybug like that? I know it's not rational. But who said anything about grief being rational? I know that when I say three, everyone else is comfortable and it all makes sense. Except to me.

When I say four, I eventually have to explain. And sometimes people just totally weird out on me. Shut completely up. Change the subject. I wonder if according to culture there's a closeness that's required before something like that is shared. And I would imagine that some people who are around me often might be tired of hearing about my sweet baby girl and are wondering when I will get over it and get on with life. The answer: never. Never will I get over burying my child. Every day it's a struggle. Sometimes easier, sometimes unbearable. Talking about her helps me. Heals me. But there are reminders every day like these simple questions. I cannot escape it. I will not forget her. She's my daughter.

When I cover up Kaylee, I cover up what an amazing work God did in my family to get us through that time. I cover up the power and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And I miss the opportunity to share my faith and possibly minister to someone else dealing with similar pain.

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

In the Bible when it talks about Job being restored, it says God "gave him twice as much as before." And then it goes on to give the actual numbers for his camels, sheep, and oxen and it was all exactly twice as much. Then it goes to say he have him 10 more children. If he was given twice as much, he should have been given 20. UNLESS, those original 10 children were still his. They weren't gone...simply waiting for him.

So my answer? Four. I have four beautiful, wonderfully-made children. And one day, we will all be together again.

My Faith Child

Tomorrow is my Kaleb's 7th birthday. He's so excited. I know it's cliche, but I can't believe it's been that long since he came into our lives. Each of my children have taught me things...they're not just blessings from God, but He packages them as lessons to help us grow, too. And they're each so different its amazing. Kaleb's taught me to enjoy the little things. He notices details that most of us overlook. When I get my hair done, he's ALWAYS the first to notice, and compliment me on it. He's gonna make a great husband one day :) He feels things and experiences emotions deeper and more quickly than most. And he shares that with you. When he hugs you, you feel it to your core. He's embracing all of you and doesn't hold back anything. He's got a smile that reaches down deep into his soul and eyes full of warmth. But when he hurts, his heart breaks. And so does yours. I sometimes worry about him because he is so sensitve, but I know God has molded him for a purpose so I will trust His perfect plan.

When we found out we were pregnant with Kaleb, we were overjoyed! The 9 months before we had lost our daughter, Kaylee to a heart defect. Although no one could replace our sweet baby girl, my arms felt so empty they physically ached for another child. So he was definitely an answer to prayer. We had a girls name all picked out. I had been reading the book of Job and wanted to name our girl after his daughter, "Kezziah" (of course with our little twist because we can't do anything simply). I loved the name. It helped me remember the story of Job and his faith and how even though he'd lost everything, he never lost faith in God; and God rewarded him. I was trying to live that out through our loss. But when we found out he was a boy, it was back to the drawing board for the name. I couldn't find the names of Job's sons and I knew that the name we chose would have to be good. Every time I called my child I wanted to be reminded of that faith. I NEEDED to be reminded of it. Or else I would go crazy with anxiety. Plus, it had to start with a 'K' :) We'd already had two K babies, and we would have another girl, later (Kezziah...with a twist) because I just knew in my heart God WAS going to give me another little girl. So I didn't want him to be the odd one out :) It was right about then that I was reminded of the story of Joshua and Caleb. Our pastor actually taught on it the next week. Hey, you can spell Caleb with a K :) So I decided to dive in a little deeper. I learned Caleb was a man of great faith. And not only did he trust God in ALL things, but he was confident and even audacious with his faith. I pray my Kaleb can have that same faith. I pray he can live out a life that is centered in Christ and NEVER backs down from the giants and challenges in this world. He's got a long way to go, but I know God has something in store for him. He will rush those mountains and take those giants when he has to, when God calls him. That I know for sure.

Happy Birthday, to my sweet Kaleb. May you forever be filled with faith in our Awesome Creator and the joy that comes Him alone.

First day of school

Today's the first day of school here in Miami. This is an interesting day for us, as we have one child in the public school system and two that we homeschool. This can be a tricky fence to stradle. While in our homeschool groups I'll often hear comments about "those immoral public school kids and parents" and at our oldest son's school events and among those friends, I'll hear talk of those "uber-conservative, rigidly-religious, self-righteous homeschoolers."

The interesting thing is that, like most stereotypes, these thoughts and ideas are so inaccurate. All homeschoolers are not ultra-conservative, culturally irrelevant, socially inept people who want to control their kids' lives. AND all public school families are not immoral, unintelligent, conformists who don't care about their kids. OK, so not all homeschoolers or public school parents/teachers feel this extreme about the opposite. I've been extreme to make a point, but seriously, there's probably more in common than not. Trust me, I live in both circles. For the most part, we all have the same goal and purpose...to raise up the next generation to be the best they can be.

The cool thing about living in the U.S.A. is that as a parent, YOU get to decide what's best for your children. And believe it or not, that might be different for each child in the same family. And it might even be different for the same child at different times in their life. Instead of judging each other, we should be working together. Can't we all just get along?

Diving in

Our middle boy, Kaleb, has never really been much on swimming. Our oldest was half-fish. Seriously. His first word was "in" and he was talking about the water. So Kaleb's fear of water and going under was always a bit perplexing to me. We never pushed him, but now he's six and really doesn't know how to swim well at all.

Being in South Florida and surrounded by water now, I figure he needs to learn. SO I enrolled him in swim lessons. When I broke the news to him, it was a complete meltdown. I MEAN COMPLETE MELTDOWN!! After he calmed down, we talked and I explained the importance of being able to swim...for his own safety, and even his little sister's safety and how he could help her.

Something clicked. That afternoon we were going to the community pool to just play around. On the way, he said, "Mom, I'm putting the goggles on and going under." I was like, "OK, honey." AS SOON AS we got to the pool, he pulled the goggles on and ran right over and dove in. I couldn't believe it! He was under for like 10 seconds. Then he BURST up from the water screaming, "I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!" It was truly one of the sweetest moments. He was SO proud of himself. He did it again, and again. Each time bursting from the water and exclaiming his success! The pool was rather crowded and everyone around was smiling and watching him. I wonder if he encouraged any of them the way he did me. He overcame that fear. Just head down and ran full-blast right at it. I don't know if it was for his own survival or the thought of being able to help his sister, but it gave him the strength to do it.

What are you afraid of doing? Is it hindering you from living out your full God potential? Pray and ask God to help you dive right in!

Letting Go

Just dropped my oldest off at the airport. He's going to hang with his Uncle in Nashville (he's a musician, too) so I KNOW he's gonna have a blast! Sent him off with his guitar in hand :) I know God is working in his life, and I know God is in complete control. But it's moments like these when that false sense of security is really blown to pieces. You know, that feeling that I sometimes rest in, where I believe I can control most things, and protect my children from evil and harm, accidents and injury, all that would and could hurt them. In reality, I have no power to do that. Only my God can protect them.

I release him to you, Lord. He's in the air right now, comletely in Your hands. Watch over Him all the days of his life, wherever he goes and whatever he does. Keep him seeking after You with all his heart. And please bring him back safely to us!